Method to the Madness
by ampersandasterisk
Summary: In the midst of being stuck in his miserable failing marriage, Elliot Stabler finds himself involved with a chaotic girl from a different walk of life. Though their relationship takes a toll on his sanity, there's a method to their madness that ultimately makes it all worthwhile.
1. Chapter 1

The ticking of the clock was deafening in Elliot Stabler's ears as each second dragged by. Time seemed to be standing still as he fidgeted in the chair in his living room. His knee bounced up and down nervously, and he tapped his finger repetitively on the fabric on the arm of the chair. He hated waiting. He loathed anticipation.

Despite the fact that it was almost ten o'clock at night, he picked up his cell phone from the coffee table in front of him and dialed the memorized phone number for the third time that night. It rang and rang and rang in his ear, but there was no answer. Again.

He hung up and clutched the phone in his hand, silently pleading that it would finally ring on his end. He had been waiting thirty-five long and agonizing minutes for the call, and he was worried that if he had to wait any longer, he would spontaneously combust from the anticipation and panic.

He was the type of person who prayed for the best but expected the worst, the type of person to jump to grave conclusions and make a mountain out of a molehill, though he really tried to restrain himself at that moment, not wanting to cause a scene over nothing. But the longer the phone didn't ring, the more he suspected that something awful had happened.

"What's wrong?" Kathy, his wife of 10 years, wondered as she walked by and noticed the pained expression on her husband's face while he squirmed in the chair.

"Nothing," Elliot responded without hesitation, shaking his head, but not bothering to look at the blonde-haired woman. He tried not to interact with his wife when his mind was on this track. It just made the situation feel worse.

She softly nodded in response and continued walking into the kitchen, but she knew. She knew what was going on and what her husband was so distracted by. It made her heart ache, but she wasn't surprised. She was just...used to it. It was pathetic how she pretended to ignore her husband's faux pas, but she felt as if she had no other choice.

Sweat beads began to form on Elliot's brow as he started to panic more and more. He took a deep breath and glanced at the phone in his hand.

_Ring, goddamn it._ He silently cursed in his mind. He dialed the number again, hearing it ring over and over, but still no answer. He hung up quickly; he knew something wasn't right. He could feel it. Something was very wrong.

He was growing more impatient by the second. It was like his body was filling up more and more with anxiety each time the clock ticked loudly in his ears. He couldn't take it anymore. He jumped up from his chair and grabbed his keys off the table and opened the front door.

"Where are you going?" Kathy called from the kitchen, loud enough so he could hear, but not loud enough to wake their four children that were asleep upstairs.

Elliot didn't respond; he just slammed the door behind him and hurried down the front steps of his house. He only wore a grey t-shirt and black Adidas track pants, certainly not something he would typically wear out in public, but that was the last thing on his mind as he started his car and drove off, beginning an agonizing forty-minute drive.

He tapped his fingers on his steering wheel anxiously as he quickly got on the 495. It was a fairly familiar drive through Queens – a drive he made at least once every day on his way to work in the city as a sex crimes detective for the NYPD. He didn't pay much attention to the roads or signs, knowing them well.

But he panicked slightly as he hit slow traffic going through the Midtown Tunnel. He didn't have much time to spare, though he hoped he was ultimately making the drive for no reason. It was inconvenient, of course, but he prayed he was just overreacting and that everything was fine.

He called the number one more time when he emerged from the other end of the tunnel. Since he was already in the city, he decided that if everything ended up being fine, he would stay overnight in the city and not waste a late night trip. Partially to avoid having to deal with his wife's grief when he got home later.

"Come on, come on," he pleaded as the phone trilled in his ear. "Pick up."

When there was no answer, yet again, he threw his phone down in the empty passenger seat. He felt his eyes sting with miniscule tears. He was not prepared to deal with the impending situation. He knew what was coming, and he was fearful. He didn't think he would have the strength to get through it, especially if it was as bad as he expected it to be.

He made his way through the neighborhoods of lower Manhattan, fighting sporadic bouts of traffic. Nerves bubbled in his stomach as he passed Little Italy and Chinatown. He was getting closer, and he was terrified.

When he arrived in Tribeca, he quickly found a parking spot on the road near his destination and shuffled out of his car. He jogged down the Hudson Street block and into the Skylofts building.

"Good evening, Mr. Stabler," the doorman, Dennis, greeted politely with a smile. "Everything alright?"

"I hope so," Elliot sighed and rushed toward the elevators, impatiently waiting and nearly losing his mind as the machine brought him up to the eleventh floor.

When the elevator dinged open, he darted to the door that said 11A. He attempted to turn the doorknob, but it was locked, as he assumed it would be.

"Open up!" He called as he knocked on the door loudly. "It's Elliot!"

He only let a few seconds pass, but when there was no noise or shuffling on the other side of the door, he knew he had to break the door down to get in. He steadied himself and with one quick thrust of his shoulder, he busted the door open and hurried inside the stunning apartment.

He checked in and out of every immaculate room, each one empty. For a moment, he began to wonder if the entire apartment was vacant until he saw the record player in the bedroom. A Carly Simon vinyl was spinning around and around but the needle was removed, as if the album had ended hours ago, but the player hadn't been stopped. That, right there, was a sign that something was terribly wrong. He darted into the master bathroom, the only room he hadn't checked.

And that was where he found her – lying naked and lifeless on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

"Lana!" Elliot called as he rushed over and dropped to the ground beside the girl. He grabbed her pale face, trying to hold it still between both of his shaky hands. "Lana, baby, wake up!" He patted her face, wanting to elicit some type of conscious response from the girl, but she didn't react.

He pushed back her eyelids, observing her strongly dilated pupils, then pressed his fingertips into the side of her neck, looking for any sign of a pulse. He panicked when he barely felt one.

He looked up and surveyed the area around him, looking for clues as to why the girl was laying unconscious on the ground. She had no blood or cuts anywhere on her thin body, but he knew. He knew what she had done. His eyes landed on white powder that sat on the bathroom counter next to a rolled up hundred-dollar bill and a razor. His heart sank.

Frantically, Elliot picked up the girl's lifeless body and carried her into the large walk-in shower and flipped on the knob, covering both of them in icy cold water. The frigid droplets stung his skin as he sank to the floor of the shower with her in his lap.

"Please, baby, please wake up," he pleaded with the unconscious girl as he pressed his face into her neck, holding her head up with one hand and hugging her with his other arm. Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes, daring to fall and mix with the cold water streaming down his face.

_What am I going to do? What am I going to do?_

Suddenly, the girl gasped, oxygen flying back into her lungs. Elliot looked up to see the color coming back into her face immediately, but her eyes barely stayed open. She wiggled in his arms desperately so he loosened his grip on her. On her hands and knees, she scrambled clumsily out of the shower door and grabbed the toilet as she began heaving into the porcelain bowl.

Elliot followed behind her and grabbed a fistful of her hair, holding it out of her face as she spewed the contents of her stomach into the toilet. He kissed her bare back softly, thanking God that she was alive. She wasn't okay, he knew that, but she was alive, and that was all he cared about it.

When she was done vomiting, her tense body relaxed. Elliot knew she was still coked out of her mind, so he helped her up and guided her to her California king bed, where she groggily collapsed on the sheets, still wet and naked.

He sighed as he covered her up with her comforter, watching as she immediately passed out again. She had vomited most everything out of her stomach, so he felt better about seeing her unconscious this time, but he still wanted to watch her closely.

He went back into the bathroom and stripped off his wet clothes then dried off his naked body. He went back into her bedroom and dug through her dresser for spare clothes he kept at her place. He threw on a grey t-shirt, similar to the one he had been wearing, and a pair of basketball shorts, then took his wet clothes to her laundry room, where he threw them in the dryer.

Back in her bedroom, he sat on the couch adjacent to her bed and watched the girl carefully as she slept. Her dark brown hair was curly, he noticed – she wore it straight on most days. He smiled softly; her curly hair was his favorite. Hell, everything about her was his favorite.

She was his Lana. His Lana James Phoenix. His poor Lana who never stood a chance. Well, not with the life she was born into, at least.

Her father, Anthony Phoenix, and the past four generations of his family, owned many important buildings in the financial district of New York City, which meant having more money than he knew what to do with. Because of their wealth, Lana always lived in the greatest of houses and apartments in the nicest parts of the city. She always had the nicest things, the fanciest cars, and the most expensive clothes.

It all sounded wonderful, but it's true when they say that money cannot buy happiness. Lana was living proof of that. She had all the money she could ever want, but she ultimately suffered greatly because of that.

At twenty-five years old, Lana never had a real job, any real friends, or anything significant to show for herself. And Elliot was so angry with her parents for never giving her any stability or giving her any chance to thrive in life. She had the potential to be something so great, she had so many talents and inspiring thoughts, but she had absolutely no substance to build a life on, thanks to her parents' lack of guidance. They simply threw money at her, never showing her how to earn or appreciate the money.

Sure, she could do anything she wanted to do, and she could have a million friends, but none of it was real. Her father could pay anyone any amount of money to let his daughter do whatever she wanted. She occasionally had a modeling gig, but what was the point in having a job? The money she made with any job would seem like chump change compared to the sum her family brought in. And she could have a million friends, because everyone would kill to be friends with a rich knockout like her. But what was the point in having friends who only wanted her for her money and social status?

That wasn't the case with Elliot, her only real friend. He knew she could do whatever she wanted to do because she was brilliant and creative. He wanted to be in her life because she was insightful and loving. She was the most loving person he had ever met, yet also the most destructive.

He met Lana a year earlier when she was the victim of an attempted rape. Her father hired the best SVU detectives to watch her around the clock and work the case until the possible rapist was caught.

When Elliot walked into her apartment that fateful night for his shift to guard her, he was expecting to be annoyed all night by a ditzy rich girl who only wanted to party, but he was delightfully surprised when she was nothing like that at all. She dressed young, wearing cut-off blue jean shorts and an off-the-shoulder sweater, but she spoke maturely, able to start and hold serious adult conversations with him all night.

She was a little dark and broody, he noticed, though she often had the outward appearance of happiness, and she was often smiling. But it appeared to only be a front.

He fell in love with her that night – though he wasn't sure how. There he was, a 30-year-old cop with a wife and four kids under the age of 10, a very stern and serious man, who was raised well with proper morals and a humble attitude. And as sure as the sun, he fell in love with the broody girl who was so out of touch with reality and lived such a chaotic life – but he couldn't help it; he couldn't stop himself.

He got up out off the couch beside her and walked back into her bathroom. He grabbed a Clorox wipe from the cabinet under the sink and wiped up the white powdery residue on the counter. He threw away the razor and dusted off the hundred-dollar bill then began searching for the rest of her drug stash.

It wasn't until about six months ago that she started the drug habit. She suffered from slight posttraumatic stress disorder from the attempted rape, but she was seeking professional help at the time, so Elliot was unsure of where the random problem came from. But he figured – what's a young girl supposed to do all day when she has no job, no friends, and no important ties to the community? He can see why she filled her loneliness and emptiness with drugs. Sometimes he'd catch her dancing or being silly; he knew she was genuinely happy at times, but usually she just seemed hazy and indifferent.

Who could blame her? Her life was a recipe for disaster from the start.

He loved her greatly, and he knew there were others that loved her as well, but her life truly held no meaning other than that.

When he found the rest of her cocaine, stored in a small container in her bathroom drawer, he dumped it into the toilet then flushed it, dreading the wrath he would endure when he had to tell the girl what he had done.

He knew she would only go out and buy more. He didn't even put a dent into her addiction; he only made it slightly more inconvenient. And that pained him, because he wanted to get her help. He wanted to ship her off to rehab and make her better or throw her ass in jail to keep her away from the drugs. It was his duty, just as a cop, to get the drugs away from her in some way. But her father would not allow such a public spectacle to be made of his family, because either route, rehab or jail, would make headlines all over the world. So Elliot just did what he could do as her boyfriend, taking care of her and making sure she didn't overdose.

Being involved in her life made him feel dirty. It made him a dirty husband, a dirty father, and a dirty cop – she made him go against everything he's ever believed in. But deep down, he loved it.

His whole life he had been good, on the right track, proper, polite, the way he felt he was supposed to be.

But Lana Phoenix brought out a different side of him – a bad side, a dirty side.

Yet he couldn't get enough of her.

"Stabler?" He heard her sweet voice from the bedroom, using his last name as a nickname, which she did often.

"Yeah, babe?" He called back from the bathroom as he cleaned up the remnants from her drug stash.

"What are you doing here?" She wondered, dazed from her slumber.

He quietly closed the bathroom drawer and walked back into her bedroom to see her sitting up with tired eyes and disheveled hair. She used the bed sheet to cover her naked torso as she donned a curious and sleepy expression on her face.

"You weren't answering my calls, so I got worried and came over to check on you," he told her. "You came pretty close to an overdose."

"Shit," she groaned, running a hand through her matted hair. "Bert warned me not to do too much at once."

Simply hearing his name made Elliot's blood boil.

Bert. He was the scum of the earth that Lana got her drugs from. He was the person who introduced her to the hardcore substances she used to self-medicate. He was a shitty, ratty mess of a kid who was going nowhere in life and had nothing better to do than spread his destructive drugs. Elliot despised the boy and what he had done to his beautiful Lana.

"Take your clothes off," Lana said softly as she looked up at him with her big brown eyes that decorated her Jewish and Italian ethnicity perfectly. "Come lay with me."

Elliot sighed. He wanted to yell at her for what she had done to him that night, for what she had done to herself, and he wanted to demand she stay away from Bert, but he knew there was no use. It was pointless to fight that late at night, and he didn't like fighting with her anyway.

He did as she instructed, taking off his pants and t-shirt, and slid into the bed beside her. He spooned her from behind, feeling the warmth from her naked body against his as he kissed the back of her head lovingly.

Though she was quite a sensual being, adventurous and explicit in bed, she simply enjoyed the feeling of just being intimate and naked, even if there was no sexual contact involved. It was a new experience to Elliot, as sex was a very taboo, structured, scheduled, and rigid thing at home with his wife, but he loved every second of it with Lana.

"Love you," she whispered to him, knowing he was probably upset with her for nearly killing herself.

"Love you too," he replied, kissing the back of her head again.

Though they often said they loved each other, sometimes the words fell short, not living up to their full meaning and faltering their intentions.

She fell asleep again, wrapped in Elliot's arms, pressed up against him, but he couldn't sleep as easily. He couldn't quiet the thoughts that sprinted through his mind. He tried to figure out how he managed to get himself tangled in Lana Phoenix's mess of a life, and he wondered how long it would take before things got so bad that the damage became irreparable.


	3. Chapter 3

Elliot crept through his front door quietly, not wanting to wake or disturb any of his family, praying they were still asleep at the early morning hour. He silently made his way into the living room but was startled when he saw Kathy sitting in the recliner, rocking one of their twelve-month-old twins, Lizzie.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" She whispered angrily.

"Work," he lied, knowing his demanding job was always a somewhat believable excuse as sometimes he really was called out in the middle of the night for a case.

"I've been up all night with the twins; they're getting sick," she said quietly, ignoring his fib. "It would've been nice to have you here to help me with them. I haven't slept."

"Sorry," he muttered, though he wasn't genuinely sorry. "Here, give her to me." He reached forward to take the baby from her arms but Kathy simply glared at him.

"This is Dickie, not Lizzie," she spat, unable to believe that he really could not tell the difference between his children.

Elliot's face fell, feeling extremely sheepish at the mix-up. "I-I couldn't see his face."

Tears welled up in her eyes. Though the mistake was understandable, as the child's face really could not be seen from where he was standing, she was so angry at him for being gone all night. She wanted to tell him to go to hell, but soft cries from the baby monitor interrupted her. "There," she retorted. "That's Lizzie. _Now_ you can go get her."

He nodded and turned away, feeling very indifferent as he walked up the steps to the second floor of their average, but decent, home. He went into the first room on the left, the twins' room, and walked over to the crib that held his youngest daughter.

She looked up at him, whimpering slightly.

"Hey, sweet girl," he cooed as he picked her up and held her in his arms, bouncing back and forth to sooth her. "What's wrong with my princess? Huh?"

From downstairs, Kathy could hear him through the baby monitor. More tears filled the corners of her eyes as she listened to her husband talk sweetly to their baby.

Lizzie rested her small head on Elliot's chest, snuggling into her father. He kissed the top of her head, feeling increasingly guilty for not being there all night.

He didn't feel very guilty for not being there with Kathy, as their relationship was destroyed beyond repair, but he did feel bad for not being there for his kids. His kids were his world – that would never change; he would've done anything for them, and he never wanted them to forget that.

The fact that he stayed with Kathy for so long was proof that he would do anything for his kids. He planned on leaving her nearly two years ago. Their marriage had been over for quite a while, though they had stayed together for the sake of their daughters, but he was ready to put an end to their misery since the girls were older. He had an apartment lined up and a divorce lawyer ready and everything, but the week before he was going to officially leave, Kathy told him she was pregnant. And to make matters worse, she was pregnant with twins.

Elliot did a lot of soul searching the night he found out about the twins.

He still could've left, of course, but she would've had full custody of their kids due to his demanding and hectic work schedule. He would've missed out on most of the twins' first few years of life, which were the most important to him, as they hit milestone after milestone in their development.

So he stayed. He and Kathy came to the agreement that they would stick it out for a few more years, despite being equally miserable, until the twins were a little older. But they agreed to try and work on their marriage to make things easier and as a desperate attempt to rekindle their love and work things out. It seemed to be working for a while until the twins were a week old. That was when he first met Lana. And just like that, it was officially over on his end.

Kathy didn't know anything about her. She didn't know her name, what she looked like, or how they met, but she knew there was another woman. It was obvious. But she remained tight-lipped about it – after all, what was the point? Their marriage was clearly over, and they had agreed to stay together for the twins, so an argument wouldn't solve anything. She just turned the other cheek and did not acknowledge his adultery.

But it still made her angry – it wasn't something she could ignore. So while she never brought up what she knew, she was rude to him, bitter and resentful, which made him never want to come home. He only came home for his kids, but she even managed to make that miserable at times as well.

Sometimes it felt wrong to him – he _was_ technically cheating on his wife – but most of the time, it didn't feel like anything. He didn't think about it or worry about it; he just went with it. Lana made him happy. Spending time with her was his one saving grace, though sometimes she nearly pushed him to the edge of his sanity as well.

Lizzie fell back asleep as Elliot rocked her in his arms.

"Daddy loves you so much," he whispered to her as he kissed the soft skin on her forehead then placed her back in her crib.

* * *

Lana's long eyelashes batted against each other swiftly as she blinked, covering her big brown eyes for only milliseconds before exposing them again. She stared at the ceiling fan above her with muddy thoughts. Her room was silent other than the occasional bird chirping or crazed taxi driver honking outside, but she tuned those sounds out. She was used to hearing the noise after growing up in New York City, so to her, everything was silent.

Her internal alarm clock had woken her up an hour earlier, but she remained in bed, simply staring at the environment around her and at the note Elliot had left on the pillow beside her.

_Missing you already._

_ xo Stabler_

She read it numerous times, enjoying the flutter of butterflies that erupted through her stomach every time. He often left before she woke up on weekdays as he had to be at work early, but he always left her sweet notes, which she adored. He was the one thing she adored in life: her Stabler.

When she finally decided to get out of bed, she strolled into the bathroom where she began her daily routine by taking a quick shower, washing her body and hair. She spent time doing her hair, putting products in it to tame the frizz but keeping the curls, as she knew Elliot loved her hair like that. But some days it was not worth the fight, so she sometimes straightened it to avoid the hassle – the most troubling of problems she ever had to face in her simple life. She applied a minimal amount of makeup to her face, but it was mostly unneeded due to her luck of great genetics. She continued her routine by digging through her oversized closet that held the greatest of clothes until she found something cute, casual, and comfortable to wear.

From the outside looking in, it seemed as if she had something to accomplish that day, as if she were on a mission to get something done, but her daily routine continued as such, and once she was finally done getting dressed, she went out onto her eleventh-floor balcony that overlooked parts of the city where she rolled a joint and began smoking.

That was it. That was the only daily routine she had. And the only reason why her daily routine was even that long was because she stretched it out by doing unnecessary things like her makeup.

Sometimes she spent the day outside, just walking around the city. Sometimes she wasted time and her endless money by going to the salon, getting her hair and nails done or the occasional massage. Sometimes she shopped so she could stuff even more designer clothes into her overflowing closet.

But regardless of what she did, she was relentlessly bored. Relentlessly and permanently bored. Nothing seemed fun or exciting to her anymore. Maybe it was due to the drugs, but she couldn't really recall a time when anything _did_ seem fun or exciting.

Not until Elliot came along at least. She enjoyed spending time with him. Life felt real when she was with him.

As the effects of the drug in her cigarette began taking over her body, she grabbed her cell phone and dialed a number then listened to the phone trill in her ear.

"Special Victims Unit, this is Detective Benson," a female voice answered.

"Olivia, hi," Lana greeted, feeling relaxed.

"Oh, hey, Lana," the woman replied, recognizing the voice immediately after working with her during her attempted rape case and numerous times afterward when she began seeing her partner.

"Is Elliot around?" Lana asked.

"He's not actually," Olivia answered honestly. "He's interviewing a suspect. Do I need to go get him?"

"No, no," Lana responded. "Just wanted to talk to him. Can you have him call me when he gets a second?"

"Sure thing," Olivia told her. "You doing okay?"

"Doing great," Lana answered.

"Good," Olivia replied. "I'll have him call you when he can."

"Thanks," Lana replied before they both hung up.

Olivia sighed as she placed the phone back onto the receiver. She felt so conflicted about Lana. She had been partners with Elliot for years now, and after seeing him suffer from being stuck in a miserable marriage, all she wanted was to see him happy. And Lana certainly seemed to make him happy. But she wasn't the type of person she would've chosen for Elliot.

The girl was from a totally different walk of life than he was, and she had no qualms about technically having an affair with a married man (despite his unhappiness in his marriage). And she also knew the girl had an increasingly bad drug habit; it was tough to know that and be unable to do anything about it as a police officer. Lana was a sweet girl who seemed harmless, but she just wasn't the type of person who seemed to be good for Elliot. In Olivia's mind, at least.

However, Elliot was infatuated with the girl, so Olivia accepted the situation, just hoping it would work out for the best.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not condone or encourage drug use in any way, and I hope I accurately portray, through this story, how destructive drugs can be. If I ever show drug use in a positive light, it is for the sake of the story only and not a reflection of my actual views or beliefs.**

* * *

His long black hair, scraggly beard, and ragged clothing made him stand out as he walked through the doors of the fancy apartment building. His quiet demeanor was suspicious, and it was obvious he had no business being in that area of the city. His homeless appearance made Dennis, the doorman, want to deny him entry, but Lana Phoenix had given him strict instructions to allow the man into the building.

When the man was in the elevator and out of sight, Dennis pulled his cell phone out of his uniform coat pocket and typed a text message to a certain detective, who paid him money to inform him whenever the shabby man was visiting Lana. He figured it was probably illegal and definitely immoral to spy and disclose said information, but he had an idea of what was going on with the young Phoenix girl and figured he was doing her justice by informing a cop of the gross man's presence.

Up on the eleventh floor, Lana sat on the couch next to the man who was taking small white rocks out of a baggie and crushing them up on the glass table into fine white powder.

"This is the best shit I got," Bert told her, preparing the drugs to be snorted.

"What is it?" She asked cautiously. Despite her overly recreational use of hardcore drugs, she tried to be smart about it, genuinely not wanting to harm herself or wreck her body.

"It's the purest speedball on the streets," he answered.

"Where's the angel dust?" She wondered.

"Chill, I got it," he said casually. "Do this with me first."

"I didn't want this," she defended as she shook her head. "I wanted PCP."

"And I got it for you, baby," he grossly cooed as he gently pinched her chin. "I'm just bein' thoughtful with this extra gift – free of charge."

She weighed the thought in her mind for a moment. Sure she wanted to get high, but she was sketched by the fact that he was sharing his 'high quality' drugs for free – something no sane drug dealer would agree to, much less would do willingly on their own. A red flag went up in her mind.

Before she could reject his 'generous' offer, she heard keys jiggling in her front door.

"Who the fuck is that?" Bert asked, immediately uncomfortable.

"I don't know," she answered, praying it wasn't Elliot. She immediately regretted giving him a spare key to her apartment a week ago so she wouldn't have to replace her door every few months when he got worried about her and busted it down to could get inside.

Sure enough, a few seconds later, Elliot appeared in the hallway. Luckily, he was only a few blocks away doing some investigative work when he got the text from the doorman and could quickly dart to her apartment building.

Instantly, Bert's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and Lana's heart began to race with anxiety.

"You," Elliot pointed to Bert as he walked into the room. "Get the fuck out."

"Great," Bert groaned, recalling who the sudden intruder was.

"Stabler, what are you doing here?" Lana wondered.

"I'm not joking – get out, asshole," Elliot repeated as he walked over to them. "I'm flushing all that shit on the table and anything you have in your pockets."

Bert jumped up defensively and spat, "Fuck you."

His cursing angered Elliot, and with one swift swing, he sent his fist into Bert's face, knocking his nose and jaw sideways and sending him to the ground.

"Elliot, don't!" Lana yelled. She was afraid of Elliot's temper and Bert's crazed personality – knowing if the two combined, something serious could happen. She tried to grab his arm to prevent him from doing any more damage.

But it was no use as Elliot was already hovering over the gross man on the floor, clutching his throat in his hand, squeezing to cut off his airway. Bert choked beneath him, trying to determine whether he should fight back or not.

"I ought to put your ass in the hospital," Elliot threatened, angrier than he thought was possible.

"Get off of him!" Lana screamed. "You're going to kill him!"

"I'm not gonna kill him." Elliot shook his head, staring him down. "I'm just gonna put his sorry ass in jail."

Bert managed to choke out a laugh beneath him. "If you put my ass in jail, you have to put Lana's sweet ass in jail too."

Elliot's eyes narrowed at him.

"She's just as guilty of possession as I am," Bert continued, smirking.

Elliot knew he was right. He glanced up at Lana over his shoulder, seeing her pained and scared expression. With a sigh, he let go of Bert's throat and stood up, trying to calm down and shake off his anger.

Bert stood up as well, adjusting himself. He felt warm liquid dribbling from his nose, and he tasted a metallic rusty flavor in his mouth. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand, and when he saw blood, he felt emasculated so he lifted his fist to take a sloppy swing at Elliot.

Quickly, Elliot ducked beneath him, and Bert's fist hit Lana's small frame in the shoulder, knocking her to the ground, where she smacked her head on the corner of the coffee table that held the drugs.

"You son of a bitch," Elliot growled when he realized what had happened. He quickly brought his hand back to Bert's throat, shoving him backwards until he was pressed up against the wall. He pushed harder and harder against his throat, this time coming close to causing the homeless-looking man to pass out.

"That's it, I'm going to have your ass arrested for assault on a police officer," Elliot spat.

"Elliot, stop, please," Lana pleaded softly behind him. "Just let him go. Let him leave."

Again, Elliot glanced over his shoulder to see Lana sitting up on the ground looking at him with a frightened expression. A line of blood trickled down her cheek from her eyebrow, which made his heart sink. He turned back to Bert, glaring at him to intimidate him.

"You get the fuck out of here and stay away from Lana," Elliot demanded as he relaxed his grip around his throat. "If I ever catch you around here again, I'm either going to throw your ass in jail or kill you."

This time, Bert was terrified after two attempts on his ability to breathe so he didn't try anything stupid again. He simply stumbled backwards, putting space between him and the cop.

"Just get out, Bert," Lana said softly, defeated from the experience. "Take the money on the counter and just leave."

Bert simply turned around, grabbed the hundred-dollar bills on the kitchen counter, then hurried out the door. He rushed to the elevator, growing increasingly paranoid of the detective, and sprinted out the door of the building.

A small smile spread across Dennis' face as he saw the man's bloody nose and panicked expression as he exited through the glass doors, feeling as if his prying actions were justified.

Back on the eleventh floor, Lana sat on her bathroom counter as Elliot stood between her legs, opening the first-aid kit to clean up the gash on her head.

He took a small damp napkin and patted the cut, wiping away the blood to examine the depth.

"I don't think you'll need stitches," he told her.

She didn't respond. She was so pissed at him for what he had just done; she couldn't even speak. He felt guilty, knowing he could've handled the situation much better and knowing he was the reason why she had the ugly cut under her eyebrow.

She winced slightly when he dabbed a cotton ball soaked with rubbing alcohol on the gash, so he blew on her eyebrow, trying to minimize the pain. The look in her deep brown eyes was heartbreaking. Even though he didn't regret what he had just done, he didn't like the way he felt from the experience. And he didn't like being the cause of her pain.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm not sorry for making that idiot leave, but I'm sorry you ended up hurt because of it."

"I'm not talking to you," she replied simply. "I'm pissed."

Elliot shook his head as he blotted a Q-tip of Neosporin over the gash to protect from infection. She was so stubborn and oblivious.

"You shouldn't be hanging out with that guy anyway," he told her. "He's bad news, and you're better than that. You're better than him."

"Okay," she responded plainly, letting his words flow into one ear then out the other.

He placed a small bandage over her cut, hiding the blotch.

"There," he said as he picked up the debris from the process and threw it all in the trash. "I'll, um, just go now."

Lana sighed as she watched him move sullenly, knowing his annoying actions were only for her benefit and nothing more. She couldn't stay mad at him for that. "You don't have to."

Elliot looked up at her, seeing her eyes turn from angry to sympathetic. He nodded then held out his hand to help the girl off the counter, but when she grabbed his hand, she pulled him back toward her between her legs. He rested his hands on her thighs, caressing them softly, as she brought her hands to his cheeks, cupping his face. She pulled his lips to hers, kissing him softly, almost to let him know she appreciated him.

He kissed her back in a needy fashion, wanting her forgiveness and wanting her to know he was sorry for what had happened. His hands gripped her thighs firmly to intensify his need for her.

When they broke away, she kept her hands on his face and he pressed his forehead to hers and whispered, "I love you, Lana James."

"I love you too, babe," she replied quietly, caressing his cheek lovingly with her thumb.

He pecked her lips again then helped her off the counter and walked with her into the living room, where he sat down on her couch. She laid down beside him, placing her head into his lap.

He stroked her hair sweetly as they sat in silence together.

Lana began to feel thankful for Elliot's protective nature and concern for her wellbeing. She wasn't used to it, but she appreciated it, and it made her feel quite cared for and loved.

"Thanks," she muttered.

"For what?" He asked.

"For taking care of me," she answered. "I know you were only looking out for me."

"You don't have to thank me. It's what I'm here for."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Changed rating to M due to future sexual content and drug use.**

* * *

A thunderstorm lingered outside the windows of Lana's eleventh story apartment as she and Elliot sat on the couch in her oversized living room together. Her legs were lazily perched across his as she relaxed prone beside his upright position. His fingertips traced small circles on her bare thighs, lulling her nearly to sleep. The room was dim except for the occasion flash of lightning and silent other than the rumbling thunder.

"What did you do today?" Elliot asked her, semi-prodding to find out if she had taken any drugs that day or seen Bert lately.

"I was sleeping off a hangover most of the day," she answered with a laugh. "It's hard to get out of bed when the weather is like this anyway."

"Especially on a Sunday," he added.

"Right," she agreed with another laugh. "Not that Sunday is any different than a weekday to me. But still."

She wasn't stupid; she knew her life was easy. She knew she didn't have nearly as many responsibilities or chores as most people. On some days, she thought that was a good thing. On others, it was the worst thing in the world to her.

Lana was a complex person with complex emotions. She had differing opinions on almost everything depending on her mood. Some days she loved her life; some days she hated it. Some days she woke up in a great mood; some days she woke up hating the world. There were days when she wanted nothing more than to be normal, a part of the working middle class, so she could feel important and worth something other than money. Then there were other days when she was glad she never had to work, because she knew she would never be able to get out of bed and accomplish anything productive or overcome any obstacles.

She wanted her life to mean something, so at times, she worked toward doing something momentous, and at other times, she just assumed she would simply never amount to anything.

She sat up abruptly when she began to feel anxious about her ever-changing mood. She kicked her legs off the couch then stood up.

"Where are you going?" Elliot wondered as he watched her small, toned legs walk away from him. He admired the way her bottom half looked in the blue jean shorts she often wore.

Lana didn't reply as she sauntered into her bedroom then bathroom, retrieving a small metal case and bringing it back into the living room. She began taking out the contents, and Elliot realized she was planning to roll a joint.

"Really, Lana?" He asked sarcastically. "You're really going to sit here and smoke pot in front of a cop?"

"What?" She asked as she glanced over at him, genuinely not seeing the big deal with what she was doing. "Are you going to put me in handcuffs? Cause I might be into that – that's kind of kinky."

He fought back the smile that dared to spread across his face as the girl went back to her business. It frustrated him how she could do something so stupid yet he _still_ smiled at her.

"I really don't want to watch you get high," he told her honestly.

"So don't," she answered with a shrug as she started to prepare her cigarette. "Don't watch – smoke with me instead."

"I'm thirty years old; peer pressure doesn't work on me," he said blatantly.

"What is this – high school? I'm not trying to pressure you into it," she laughed. "I just think it'd be fun."

He sighed as he watched her roll the confetti of drugs into a small slip of paper. He had smoked before in high school, but getting high never really appealed to him. And now that he was a part of law enforcement, it **really** never enticed him. But as Lana lit the end and smoke began swirling into the air, he wondered what was the worst that could happen if he smoked?

"Just one hit," he demanded as he reached forward to take the cigarette from her hand. He didn't really make a conscious decision about it – the words just erupted out of his mouth like word vomit.

She nodded as she handed it to him, watching him inhale the smoke, forming tiny ashes on the tip of the joint.

One hit turned into two, which turned into three, and continued accumulating until the tiny stick was gone. It didn't take long for them to both feel the effects of the drug, lying back on the sofa, relaxed and blissful.

Elliot chuckled slightly, looking over at Lana with red eyes.

"I cannot believe you made me get high," he stated. "I'm a goddamn cop."

She laughed a little in response. "Hey, I didn't make you do anything!"

She was right, she didn't _force_ him to smoke anything, but had it not been for her, he certainly never would have done anything like that.

"I'm gonna pour myself a glass of wine – want one?" She asked as she sat up slowly.

"Sure," he answered as he watched her waltz leisurely into the kitchen.

Elliot eyed Lana carefully, scanning his view from her bouncy brown curls to her braless chest, covered by a thin sweater, and down to her taut ass that protruded from her girly hips, covered by her cut-off jean shorts. Her big brown eyes were slightly red and hazy, but he still thought they were gorgeous. He always thought they were gorgeous. He loved everything about her, but God, her eyes nearly killed him sometimes.

He was feeling slightly turned on as a tightness developed beneath the fabric of his pants. He adjusted himself, but it was no use. He was still growing and twitching between his legs.

He got up from his spot on the couch and walked up behind Lana, who was uncorking the bottle of red wine at the counter. He wrapped one arm around her waist from behind and with the other, he moved her tousled hair away from her neck and shoulder.

He placed small kisses on the back of her neck, causing her to stop what she was doing and enjoy the feeling. She shut her eyes, leaning her head back against his shoulder. He slipped a hand up the front of her shirt, feeling the warm skin of her stomach as he moved his lips to the side of her neck and down the part of her shoulder that was exposed. He continued sliding his hand up her body until he felt her bare breast in his hand then gave it a firm squeeze.

She stuck her butt out, pressing it against his growing erection. In response, he pulled her body closer to his, pushing his hips forward. With the hand that wasn't on her chest, he undid the button on her shorts and slid his fingers below the waistline then underneath the thin fabric of her thong. She braced herself against the granite counter with her hands.

Lana loudly sighed when Elliot began to rub her between her legs. She began moving her hips against his movements, rubbing her ass up and down the length of his throbbing dick. The added friction of their clothes only frustrated him.

"Do me right here," Lana pleaded, just as turned on as he was.

Elliot yanked her shorts and underwear down in one swift moment then hurried to pull his shirt over his head. She kicked the clothing off her feet as his pants hit the ground, exposing him fully. He quickly pulled a condom out of his wallet then slid it down his shaft for protection.

He pushed the top of her back forward, bending her over the kitchen counter as he lined up his swollen head with her wetness. He watched as he entered her slowly from behind, admiring the view of him sliding into her.

"God," he groaned when he was entirely inside of her. The feeling of her tightness would never get old to him.

He gripped her hips in each hand to maintain control over her movements as he began to pump in and out of her from behind, eliciting moans from her mouth. He watched as her hair bounced from his thrusts.

The fact that Lana couldn't see what Elliot was doing to her was driving her wild. He was having his way with her and she couldn't do anything about it – not that she would do anything about it anyway. He was so thick inside of her; she could feel every movement he made, which sent sparks of ecstasy through her body.

"Take your shirt off," he instructed.

She did as he said, pulling her shirt over her head and throwing it on the ground as he continued pumping into her. He glanced at her slightly from the side, watching as her breasts bounced in accordance with his thrusts. The sight made him grunt and shut his eyes in pleasure.

The grip of her muscles was so tight around him, but he slid in and out of her with ease due to her wetness. The feeling made him throb and her tense. He reached forward, grazing her nipple with his fingertips as he cupped his hand around her boob.

"Harder," she sighed, feeling the sensation of an impending climax building up.

Without hesitation, he moved his hand from her chest to her shoulder, gripping her waist and shoulder to keep her in place as he began slamming into her, harder and rougher. The sound of his hips smacking against her ass rocketed through the large apartment, echoing off the walls. Her loud moans mixed with the sound. Their breathing grew heavy as he pounded his dick into her.

Her entire body tensed as she anticipated an orgasm. The sensation made her feel so much higher than she already was, she wasn't sure if she was ready to come yet. She didn't want the feeling to end.

For a very brief second, it seemed as if the feeling did dissipate, but it came back just as quickly, shaking her body as pleasure exploded to every inch of her being. She yelped as she was overcome with bliss, and her hips rolled in unison with the orgasmic waves that flooded her body.

Elliot could hardly contain his composure while hearing her scream and feeling her muscles pulsate around him. He felt like he was seeing stars. Her loud moans were pushing him to the edge.

As she was still experiencing the latter half of her climax, he began to experience his own. Their sexes pulsated in unison as he came, grunting and gripping her hips hard. Rockets of bliss shot through every fiber of his being, making his legs weak.

He pumped into her a few more times, spurting out the rest of his seed as she pulsated a few more times from the aftereffects.

"Fuck," he breathed out. Though he was hesitant to smoke earlier, he knew he could attribute the incredible sex to being stoned. It was so worth it.

Lana relaxed onto the counter and Elliot slumped over onto her back as they came down from their sexual high, still breathing heavily. He kissed the skin on her back lovingly as he slid his limp member out of her slowly. They silently agreed that what they just experienced was the most mind-blowing quickie orgasms that anyone could possibly have.

They stood upright as Elliot removed the condom and threw it away. As he walked back to Lana, she quickly turned around, wrapping her arms around his neck as she crashed her lips onto his. She slipped her tongue in his mouth, letting him know she was not done with him and wanted to go another round.

He brought his hands to her ass, and with her help, he hoisted her up onto the kitchen counter then let his lips roam her naked body. He needed a good fifteen minutes to come down from his previous orgasm and get hard again, so he decided to just please her in the meantime.

He left a trail of kisses all over her body as she leaned back, propping herself up on her elbows, watching as his mouth landed at the wet lips between her legs. He began licking her pinkness and she threw her head back in pleasure, sighing happily.

His tongue flicked her clit as he wrapped his arms under her thighs to hold her in place. She bucked her hips as the incredible feeling floated through her body, but she resisted an orgasm, wanting it to build up for a better one later when they went at it again.

For the next ten minutes, Lana watched sexily as Elliot lapped at her, nearly melting at the sight of his eyes staring deep into hers as he pleased her. He continued to elicit moans from her mouth with his face between her legs until he found himself rock hard again.

He stood up as Lana propped herself higher up on her palms and watched as he grabbed another condom from his wallet. She took it from his hands and shook her head.

"I want to feel you," she told him. "Just pull out."

Sober Elliot would've been hesitant, but Stoned Elliot just wanted to feel her too. Though she was on the pill, they always used a condom as back up, since it would be a disaster if she got pregnant while he was still married. But the thought didn't even cross his mind as he slowly slid into her, bare and raw.

The warmth of their skin touching without a barrier added to the pleasure and they both moaned from the feeling. She could feel it every time he throbbed inside of her and he could feel how wet she was.

As he began pumping into her again, he watched her breasts bounce in front of him, nearly losing it at the sight.

Their eyes met as they had sex on her kitchen counter. Their bodies moved in unison and their heavy breathing intensified their sighs and moans. Her dark eyes stared into his green ones and almost melted him. He watched her beautiful body writhe from pleasure.

He never wanted that moment to end, and suddenly he realized that he was addicted to her in the same way she was addicted to drugs.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning in the Special Victims Unit, Elliot sat at his desk across from his partner Olivia Benson, attempting to complete some paperwork while their open cases were quiet.

Their coworkers buzzed around them while they worked silently in unison with one another.

Elliot and Olivia were a dynamic duo together - the squad's best detectives - though they would be practically useless without each other. They were total opposites but complimented each other well, completing the other's missing half to create an unstoppable force to be reckoned with.

And everyone knew it.

Donald Cragen, the squad's captain, emerged from his office, though everyone seemed too busy and preoccupied to notice.

"Can I have everyone's attention real quick?" He called through the squad room.

Olivia and Elliot glanced up from their paperwork, almost simultaneously, as everyone else hushed their voices and turned their heads toward their boss, ready to listen to whatever announcement he was about to share with them.

"Thanks to a recent hush-hush scandal in narcotics, the entire precinct will be having random drug tests today," Cragen informed.

The color immediately rushed out of Elliot's face as he froze. He tried not to react but his heart seemed to stop beating; he couldn't breathe and he couldn't blink. He thought there was no way that what he was hearing was real, no way that it was actually happening. No way he was about to be drug tested the day after he spontaneously got high for the first time in years.

"The lab will be sending down specimen cups in about an hour so everyone needs to hold their bladder until then or start drinking gallons of water now!" Cragen instructed.

Elliot's heart kick-started again when he realized the situation _was_ real and it _was_ happening. He tried to maintain a poker face, but he was panicking. Big time. His eyes scanned the room frantically. Everyone was going back to their regular business, seemingly fine with the captain's announcement, including Olivia. Though they were always in sync, she didn't even seem to notice her partner's sudden change in stability.

"Shit," Elliot groaned quietly to himself. He was scared and confused, but mostly furious. First and foremost, he was furious with Lana. Though he knew she didn't force him to smoke anything, she still offered it to him; she was the one who decided to roll a joint in front of him. He was so angry he let her entice him like that. Suddenly, their mind-blowing sex didn't even seem worth it anymore. None of it did.

Elliot got up from his desk and walked over to the one person he knew would understand and help him out of the situation: his fellow detective, Fin Tutuola, who just so happened to be a former narcotics detective.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Elliot asked him quietly as sweat beads began to form on his brow.

Fin glanced up at him. "Sure. What's up?"

"Over here," Elliot nodded his head suspiciously toward a quiet area in the squad room. Suddenly, he didn't even feel like himself. He was having an out-of-body experience, not feeling right in his own skin.

Fin followed him to the secluded area, confused when he noticed his friend's unusual demeanor. "What's going on?"

"This is really bad and unethical, but I need your help," Elliot answered, completely unable to figure out how to make the situation seem even semi-acceptable.

"With what?" Fin wondered, beginning to feel a little worried for his friend.

"This drug test," Elliot began shamefully. "I need you to pee in the cup for me."

Fin narrowed his eyes at his coworker in disbelief.

Elliot rolled his eyes when he understood his friend's knowing glance. "Lana was smoking pot around me yesterday and I'm worried I might've gotten a contact high or something. I don't want to risk it." He felt awful for lying, especially to someone who had always been so genuine and honest with him, but he was panicking and the words just flowed out of his mouth, his typical word vomit.

Fin simply pursed his lips together, still in disbelief and partially in disappointment.

"If you don't want to do it, I'll understand. I get it. I swear. And you know that, normally, I would never even ask this much from you," Elliot defended. "But Kathy and I are going to be getting a divorce soon, I'm going to be paying child support out of my ass for years – I can't risk losing my job."

Fin sighed in defeat, understanding what Elliot was going through. He was currently paying his own fair share of child support, and hell, while he was in narcotics, he had tested dirty a couple times himself under similar circumstances. If he had any qualms about Elliot's character, he probably would've immediately said no. But he knew his coworker wasn't a bad guy. He knew he deserved a second chance.

"Alright," Fin sighed. "But just this once."

Relief washed over Elliot's face instantly. "It'll never happen again. Thank you, Fin. Really."

Fin could tell from Elliot's stern eyes that he was truly embarrassed to have to ask for the favor and that he was truly thankful for his help. He felt sorry for him more than anything.

"What's this girl doing to you, man?" Fin asked, shaking his head. "This ain't like you. Sittin' there letting her smoke pot right in front of you like that?"

Elliot sighed and shrugged. "I'm not a narc. It's not my job to bust her for drugs."

Fin shook his head. "She's a cute girl, but watch your back. Don't go down for her mistakes."

Elliot nodded, understanding and agreeing completely. He nearly did go down because of her. And that made his blood boil. It was all he could think about all day. He couldn't focus on anything, because his mind was reeling with the thoughts of almost losing his job over something so petty and evitable.

By the time his shift ended, he was irate. And by the time he got to Lana's apartment, he was losing his mind with anger.

Using his key, he entered her apartment and found her flipping through a magazine as she sat on her sofa. Seeing her so relaxed and so oblivious made him even angrier. She was so out of touch with reality that he wondered for a moment how he ever clicked with her in the first place.

"My precinct was drug tested today," Elliot stated, announcing his presence as he walked into her living room.

"Oh, hey Stabler." Lana looked up from her magazine with her big brown eyes and smiled at him. "I didn't hear you come in."

He could tell she was high on something. Probably on everything. "Did you hear me say that my precinct was drug tested today?"

She raised her eyebrows then chuckled a little at the coincidence. "Ha, wow. Go figure, right? The day after the _one _time you get stoned. What's gonna happen?"

"I had to ask a friend to piss in a cup for me," he retorted, folding his arms across his chest, still standing in the entrance of the room. "Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to ask a friend to piss in a cup for you because you didn't want to lose your job over a failed drug test?"

Lana narrowed her eyes at him, finally noticing his anger. "What's your problem?"

"My problem?" He scoffed. "My problem is that I got high with you and almost lost my job over it."

"Lighten up," she defended as she rolled her eyes then went back to looking at the magazine in her hands. "You didn't even smoke a full joint. I doubt you would've lost your job over it."

He shook his head as the vein in his forehead nearly popped out of his face. He was overflowing with anger. He walked over to the wall, livid, about to explode. He wouldn't have been surprised if smoke was flowing out of his ears from the heat he felt at her blasé attitude toward the situation.

"GODDAMN IT, LANA!" He screamed as he punched the concrete wall, startling her and making her jump.

Her brow furrowed as a nervous and scared feeling welled up in her stomach. She had never seen this side of him – well, not because of her, at least. And it frightened her.

He turned back to her with a clenched jaw. His green eyes were dark as he glared at her. Again, he wasn't himself as he began yelling, "I know you don't have to act like an adult or be held accountable for your fuck-ups, but I do! Unlike you, I actually _like_ being a good, decent person with good values and morals! I know no one relies on you for shit, but I have a family depending on my income, which won't exist anymore if you get me fired! You don't understand the importance of a real job, because you get all your shit handed to you like a fucking prize, but I _need_ my job! I have to actually _work_ for the things I own!"

His words hit her like a ton of hateful bricks with sharp jagged edges. She stared at him, stunned that he just belittled her so rudely in her own home. Suddenly, she didn't recognize him anymore. The Elliot she knew would _never_ talk to her that way. Where was the man who protected her so instinctively and made her feel so safe? Where was the man who never judged her or projected his life onto her? Where was the man who kept her best interests in the center of his heart and doted on her so lovingly?

Immediately, Elliot regretted letting the harsh words spew from his mouth. The word vomit haunted him incessantly. Seeing the blank, yet hurt, expression on her face made him feel even worse.

Her jaw tightened as his softened, though he held his stern look. He was too egotistical at the moment to apologize so quickly for something he had just said, so he held his ground and remained unmoved.

"Get out," she spat softly, almost inaudibly.

"Gladly," he retorted without hesitation, turning around on his heels and storming out. He slammed the door behind him then paused, feeling overwhelmed with guilt. He scratched the back of his neck as he pictured her crying on the other side of the door. Though he couldn't see her, he knew that's what she was doing. And it was his fault. He couldn't believe he had been so cruel to her.

He hesitated for a moment. He knew he should've gone back inside to apologize and console her, but he didn't. He just continued down the hallway toward the elevator, needing to get away from the chaotic girl. She turned him into someone he didn't recognize, and he needed to put some space between them to regain himself.

But he loved her. God, he loved her so much. And walking away from her was the hardest thing he had done in a very long time.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who has been reviewing this story! I love hearing what everyone thinks about each chapter!**

* * *

Stevie Nick's voice rang out through Lana's apartment as she sat sideways in a chair in her living room. Her legs dangled over one arm of the chair and her head was slumped backwards over the other arm as a Fleetwood Mac album played on the record player near her. The sad scene was accompanied by a sad soundtrack as she wallowed in her self-pity.

"Ooh, I had to stay," she sang along to the song. "Ooh, I had to stay."

She stared up at the ceiling, feeling more alone than she ever had in her entire life.

Five days had passed since Elliot had berated her with his words after his drug test. She hadn't seen him or talked to him since he stormed out of her apartment that day. He didn't call or text or suddenly show up at her door like he usually did. It saddened her, but she wasn't going to be the one to cave first and mend their relationship. He could blame her all he wanted, but **he** was the one who verbally attacked her so unnecessarily, completely catching her off guard and knocking the wind out of her, therefore **he** would have to be the one to initiate their makeup.

It was a long, slow, agonizing few days for her. Elliot was able to stay busy with work and his family, but not her. She had nothing to preoccupy herself with. Except drugs, of course. And Bert, who she had to meet at random places to keep him away from her apartment, just in case Elliot suddenly showed up. He would've flipped his lid if he had known how much time she spent with that moron while they weren't speaking. Bert helped the time pass by pumping her system with chemicals to keep her high and numb her pain. It made the lonely minutes evaporate in her mind.

Deep down, she knew Elliot was right, which was one of the reasons why she was so pissed. She hated the fact that he was right about the lack of accountability and responsibility in her life. However, she _did_ nearly cost him his job, and she had a very nonchalant attitude toward his anguish. She understood where his anger stemmed from.

But that still didn't give him the right to call her out so rudely like he did.

Her warped concept of reality had her believing she hadn't done much wrong. Sure, she should've taken Elliot's situation more seriously, but she didn't think the issue was related to her drug use. In her mind, she didn't have a problem with drugs. The thought of going to rehab, or even _needing_ to go to rehab, never even crossed her mind. But what she didn't realize was that **any** drug habit was a problem if and when it affected someone's life, whether it was her own or someone else's. And it was currently affecting Elliot's.

At the same time Lana was reeling in her depression, Elliot was in the adjacent borough, sitting on the floor of his home with his five-year-old daughter, Kathleen.

He hovered over her, tickling her sporadically, which sent her into fits of adorable childish laughter that he couldn't help but smile at.

"Daddy!" She giggled as he tickled her sides.

He could only laugh and smile in response at his beautiful daughter's smile that resembled his own. Sometimes it still baffled him that he played a part in creating such perfect, angelic, beautiful children.

When he stopped tickling her for a moment to give her a break to catch her breath, she lifted up her hands and perched them on each of his cheeks, holding his face close to hers.

"You're crazy," she stated simply, repeating the words she heard her father say often.

Elliot chuckled wildly at his child's adorable innocence. "No, _you're_ crazy, sweet girl."

"I have to potty," she stated randomly.

"Well, go potty, goofball!" He teased as he moved away from her, sitting up on the carpet as the little girl jumped up and darted down the hallway.

The sudden silence gave Elliot chills. At that moment, he felt so strange being a typical, goofy dad at home with his child. Just the previous weekend, he was off getting high and having rough kitchen sex with a girl who was not his wife. Since his spat with the chaotic girl in Tribeca, he had been home with his family for five solid days, which was unusual as of late.

Sometimes, his relationship with Lana was a draining rollercoaster ride. One day, they were fighting. The next day, they were in love. Then on random days, they didn't seem to have feelings other than lust. It was dramatic and ridiculous and hard to follow.

He often wondered how he ended up so tangled up in her chaotic life and what the point of their dramatic relationship was.

Kathleen ran back into the living room, crashing into her dad's chest where he caught her.

"Airplane, Daddy!" She requested.

"Okay, hold on!" Elliot said in an enthusiastic voice as he lied on his back and hoisted the small girl up into the air on his feet.

"Yay!" She giggled as she soared in the air above him, holding his hands for support. "I'm flyin', Daddy!"

"I see that! Look at you flying so high!" He encouraged, loving the fun his child was having.

Leading his double life felt so wrong sometimes. It felt wrong to be a cop who knew of a disgusting drug habit yet didn't do anything about it. It felt wrong to be a father who ditched his family for sex and romance. It felt wrong, so wrong, to still be married to his wife of ten years yet be adulterous with another woman – despite the 'justified' circumstances.

But why, he wondered, did it feel so good at the same time? Though he wasn't ready to apologize and mend things just yet, he did miss Lana, and he certainly never stopped loving her.

Still, his mind wandered back to the thought that what he was doing with her was so wrong. So wrong and so against everything he believed in. He just felt dirty about it all.

That is, until Kathy walked through the front door, ready to start her shit. And at that point, everything that felt so wrong suddenly felt so right.

"Where are the twins?" Kathy wondered as she walked through the living room carrying groceries. Their eight-year-old daughter Maureen followed behind her with grocery bags in her arms as well.

"They're napping," Elliot answered as he slowly brought Kathleen to her feet. The little girl hurried up the stairs to her room, knowing there would soon be confrontation between her parents per usual.

"Still?" Kathy asked in a shocked voice.

"Yeah?" Elliot retorted as he stood up and walked into the kitchen.

Maureen followed Kathleen's actions and went upstairs as well when she felt the tension growing between her mother and father.

"They're not supposed to nap this late," Kathy groaned as she continued to put the groceries away. "They'll be up all night if they nap too late."

"Well, how was I supposed to know that?" He wondered.

"I don't know, Elliot, maybe if you spent more time here at home with us, you would know that," she answered.

"Wow, I've spent the last five days here if I wasn't at work," he told her, immediately realizing his words implied that typically he was somewhere else other than work or home.

"Then maybe you need to pay more attention to us," Kathy spat, ignoring his admission. It wasn't like she didn't already know where he was.

Elliot shook his head and sighed. "I don't know what you want from me anymore."

"I don't know either," she replied.

"First you want a divorce, then we get pregnant, so you want to stay together, and you want to work on our marriage, but then every little thing I do pisses you off, so what do you want from me?"

"I said I don't know!" She repeated.

Elliot sighed again. He was trapped. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, as he did not see any finalized divorce or mending of their marriage in the near future, and now there was no Phoenix girl to give him salvation from his agony, as he was still giving himself space from her.

He knew he took the easy way out by avoiding Kathy and spending time with Lana. It was easier than facing and/or fixing his problems, though it was only a temporary solution to a fairly long-term issue.

He watched as Kathy continued to put the groceries away, her face was long and worn out, and he felt responsible.

"Do you want me to just move out?" He asked. "If that's what will make you happy, I'll do it."

Kathy looked up at him. She honestly didn't know what would make her happy at that point. A divorce wouldn't make her happy, as she didn't want her marriage to truly succumb to failure. But working things out wouldn't make her happy either, as their relationship was too far gone, and things would never be the same again.

"I don't know," she answered truthfully. "Do you want to move out?"

_YES,_ Elliot screamed silently in his mind, but he chose his vocal words carefully. "I don't want to be permanently away from the kids. But I'll find somewhere else to live if that's what you need me to do."

Kathy shook her head. "No. The kids need you here."

Elliot nodded then silently turned around and headed upstairs to check on the twins, wanting to put some space between he and his wife, just as he had done to he and Lana.

He felt so defeated, and he wondered why he was so incapable of keeping any of the women in his life happy lately.


	8. Chapter 8

A full week had passed since Elliot and Lana had spoken or seen each other.

It was a long week for both of them, especially Lana, who had trouble getting through the lengthy days alone. She didn't have a job or a family to turn to like Elliot did. But by the seventh day, _he_ was the one who was having trouble getting by without _her_.

Work had been especially excruciating that day, as he was chasing down stubborn suspects in the rain all day due to the menacing thunderstorms that loomed over New York City. It had been dark and overcast all day, only intensifying the gross rain and loud thunder. Everything made him feel on edge and angry, which caused him to butt heads with Olivia all day, making their job even more difficult than the rain did.

At times like these, he usually turned to Lana for relief.

Again, he blamed her, which was becoming a common trend for him. He thought that maybe if she hadn't been so cavalier and careless about things, that they wouldn't have gotten into such a huge fight, then maybe he wouldn't be missing her so much, therefore maybe he wouldn't be on edge because of it all.

But the truth was, he was just missing her, and he was having a hard time admitting it. He knew he was long overdue for seeing her face, and he knew he would immediately feel at ease if he could just see her, but that would mean apologizing, which he just did not want to do yet.

When he was finally done with his shift for the day, he exited the precinct directly into the rain, not bothering to shield himself from the weather. With a vacant expression on his face, he sauntered down the sidewalk, passing up his car, and just walking forward.

He didn't feel like continuing his routine of getting in his car and driving home to his despondent wife who made him miserable, and he really didn't want his kids to see him like that either, so he just kept walking to avoid going home.

His mind wandered to Lana. He mostly wondered how she was feeling and if she was okay. If anything bad happened to her, he would feel exceptionally guilty for not being there to check on her, but a long time ago, he made a pact with her doorman, Dennis, who promised to notify Elliot if he hadn't seen or heard from Lana in over 24 hours. So far, he had heard nothing from Dennis, so he assumed she was doing at least somewhat okay.

More than anything, he just wanted to see her and her deep brown eyes. But like always, he was conflicted. On one end, he was still quite upset with how haphazardly she treated important things, though it wasn't her fault – it was just how she was raised. But on the other end, he didn't care what she did or how she acted – he just wanted to be with her. The confliction bounced back and forth in his mind as he continued walking. He just didn't know what to do.

The rain picked up a little heavier as Elliot crossed the street, so he jogged down the block, heading for a construction overhang, but he abruptly stopped when something shiny in the middle of the sidewalk caught his attention. It was a gold necklace. He quickly picked it up then continued a few more feet until he was under the overhang, getting out of the rain despite the fact that he was already soaked.

He glanced around him, looking for the person who dropped the necklace or someone who might've seen the person drop it. But people simply passed by him, unfazed by the rain and his presence. Suddenly, he felt alone as everyone simply walked around him like he wasn't there. He wondered if that was how Lana felt most of the time, nonexistent and transparent, as if the world just continued around her and without her.

He examined the necklace in his hand, realizing it was a locket. On the back, the words _'To my love'_ were engraved above the date _'11-20-1929'_. He flipped it over and wiped the rainwater away then noticed there was a large monogram _'L'_ engraved into the front of it.

An 'L' for his Lana.

Immediately, he knew it was a sign. A sign that he had to see her.

* * *

A knock on the door snapped Lana out of her busy thoughts. She halfway expected it to be Bert, since he was the only person who she suspected would randomly show up on her doorstep at the time, so she was genuinely surprised when Elliot was waiting for her on the other side of the door.

"What are you doing here?" Lana asked, not angry but confused.

Elliot was wearing his usual work clothes – a button down dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black slacks – but they were soaked; she assumed he had been out in the rain. And he was breathing slightly heavy, as if he had been running the whole way there.

"I...uh..." Elliot searched for the words to express his reasoning for being there, but he could only stutter. He was so thrilled to see her big brown eyes and her loose curls that fell around her face adorably.

She simply stared at him, unsure of what was going on or how she should react.

"Um, here," he breathed out as he lifted up his hand, holding the necklace out in front of her.

"What's this?" She asked as she took it from his hands, narrowing her eyes at the random gift.

"I found it," he sputtered. "It's got an 'L' on it."

Lana felt awkward and uncomfortable at Elliot's strange reaction and random presence at her apartment. Not only was he standing in front of her unexpectedly after they had gone a whole week without speaking after a fight, but he was soaking wet, out of breath, and unable to form sentences or make any sense. She didn't know what to make of the scene that was unfolding in front of her.

"Okay," he sighed, shaking his head and catching his breath. "That's a lie." He placed a hand on the doorframe then leaned on it, trying to regain his composure. "Well, it's not a lie – I did find it, and it does have an L on it, and I thought you might want it, but that's not why I'm here."

Still, she did not respond, waiting for him to continue. She barely even moved.

"I just miss you, Lana," he sighed. "I'm sorry for what I said and I'm sorry for upsetting you and blaming you. What happened was not your fault, and I should've never said the things I said."

She nodded simply, letting his words soak in. "Come in. I'll get you some dry clothes."

Elliot did as she said, following her inside where she found him some dry clothes and handed them to him.

"I'm sorry too," Lana said as she leaned against her dresser, watching him change out of his wet clothes.

"For what? You didn't do anything," he replied.

"That's exactly why I'm sorry," she told him. "You were right – what you said about me not being held accountable for my actions. I didn't take into consideration that you can't do things like smoke pot, and I didn't take it seriously when it almost cost you your job. I just brushed it off. I know I didn't _make_ you smoke it, but I offered it to you and smoked it in front of you. You wouldn't have ever gotten high if I hadn't done that in the first place. And I should've taken the situation more seriously. I should look out for you better."

Elliot sighed as he unbuttoned then took off his shirt. "I appreciate you apologizing and saying all that, but I still shouldn't have ever blamed you or said those things to you."

Lana shrugged, not really wanting to talk about what he said, because he said was right, and it embarrassed her. She hated how pathetic her life had become, and she did not want him to embellish on it again.

"Are we okay now?" He asked as he threw a dry t-shirt over his head.

She nodded in response, remembering the locket he had given her. She examined it and opened it. Inside, there was a black and white picture of a young girl on the left side, and a black and white picture of a young guy on the right side. The appearance and wear of the pictures confirmed that the locket was in fact from the early 1900s, which she thought was the coolest thing ever. She loved old vintage-y stuff like that.

"This is really neat, Stabler," Lana told him.

"You like it?" He asked.

"Yeah," she replied, still studying the necklace. She wondered who the people in the photos were, what kind of life they led, and if they stayed together their entire lives. They looked young, but back then, that didn't matter. She wondered what name the 'L' stood for, and what the date stood for – whether it was their anniversary or a birthday or simply the day the necklace was given to her. It was beautiful, and it was a beautiful gesture by Elliot as well.

Lana took the necklace and hung it around her neck, admiring the quarter-sized locket as it dangled on her chest.

"I was planning on going out tonight," she told him as she looked back up at him. "Do you want to come with me?"

"Sure." He nodded. 'Going out' wasn't really this thing, but he was so glad to have mended their relationship; he just wanted to hang out with her. Even if it meant being in an environment he was uncomfortable with.

He thought about what she just said, about looking out for him better and taking things more seriously, yet she was already talking about going out and partying, which was something she knew he didn't like or do. It was clear her words didn't mean quite as much as his words did.

* * *

Elliot stood off to the side of the bar, slowly sipping on a drink as he watched Lana on the dance floor. She was stunning; he could've watched her all night. The way she moved her hips and arms. The way she swayed. The way she used her long legs in accordance with her hips. He had briefly danced with her earlier, but he could hardly keep up with her.

Though he loved seeing her happily dancing and free, it felt strange. It was the first time he had seen her party like that. He caught her dancing around her apartment from time to time, but it was always to old classic music, never to thumping rave music. She looked like she was having fun, which was important and he tried to be thankful for that, but he noticed the drugs were changing her and turning her into someone she's not. He had suspected it for a while, but that night was proof.

He realized the drugs were changing him too. He wasn't the one doing the drugs, but they were affecting him almost as much as they were affecting her.

It made him sad, knowing the girl had so much potential and so much vibrancy, which was only brought out by mind-altering chemicals. He wanted her to have that same happiness sober. And so he decided that it would be his goal to get her to the right place in her life, to put her in the right direction. She deserved it.


	9. Chapter 9

Lana's palms were sweating with anxiety. The room seemed to be closing in on her, making her feel stuffy and nervous. Her eyes scanned the room frantically, though she wasn't looking for anything in particular. Her heart raced in her chest, and her hands were slightly shaking. She tried so hard to keep her composure and remain calm, but her attempts were unfruitful.

"You okay?" Elliot asked, noting the odd condition she was in as he sat across from her in a nice restaurant. It was the first time they had truly gone out on a formal date, and he was afraid she was freaking out because of it.

"Mhm," she muttered, nodding her head briefly, trying to convince him she was fine.

But she wasn't fine. She was sober.

Once she and Elliot made up, she stopped meeting up with Bert, afraid of another confrontation between the two men. Which was fine for a while. But she had since run out of drugs, all of her drugs, and she was having a hard time coping. She wondered if she was going through withdrawal, making her even more panicky with the thought that she was an actual drug addict, instead of just someone who had a recreational habit.

"You don't really seem okay," he noted, picking at the food on his plate with a fork.

"I am," she replied, taking a sip of water in an attempt to relax. Her hand shook as she brought the glass to her lips.

"Is this because we're out in public?" He asked.

Lana looked up at him curiously then swallowed the water in her mouth. "Not at all. Why?"

"I don't know," he answered with a shrug. "It's the first time we've gone on a proper date."

"It's not that," she reassured him, shaking her head.

"You just seem sad or scared," he reiterated, unwilling to drop the subject.

"Aren't I always either sad or scared?" She responded, mostly joking, though the answer was a definite 'yes'.

He stared at her, noting that she was beginning to calm down. A small smile was tugging at her lips out of habit, trying to show proof that she was okay, but her deep brown eyes told a different story; they held a strong sadness.

He knew why she was typically sad or scared or both. He knew that she wasn't stupid and that she knew her life was empty and hollow. He reminded himself of his goal to help her find her solace and happiness in life.

"Why don't you find something fun to do during the day?" He wondered as he picked at the food on his plate again. "I think staying home by yourself all day is starting to bring you down." He wasn't lying. He certainly blamed the drugs and her lack of significance in life for her spiraling mood, but he imagined it would probably improve if she didn't spend so much time cooped up alone in her large apartment all day.

"Like what?" She asked as she took a small bite of her food.

"Anything," he answered. "You just need something fun or exciting to look forward to. Something positive to keep you occupied."

He tried to choose his words carefully, not wanting to insult her or imply that her life wasn't meaningful or important, but she understood where he was coming from and was not offended by his suggestions.

"I just never stick with anything," she explained, her hands still shaking as she took another sip of water. "I'll find something fun to do here and there, but I never stick with it. I just end up back in my apartment snorting coke."

"Jesus, Lana," Elliot choked out with a small laugh at her crassness in public. "Don't say that so loud."

Lana simply shrugged, unfazed by the thought of anyone knowing she did drugs. Elliot was more concerned with the fact that he was a cop who didn't do a damn thing to the girl sitting across from him who just admitted she snorted cocaine.

"Just...trust yourself," he told her, directing the conversation back to its original topic. "Trust that you'll find something positive to do with your time. Trust that you won't end up back in your apartment doing destructive things, even if that's what you want to be doing."

She sighed as she stared into his gentle green eyes. They spoke for him so well; they were so genuine and kind and caring, just as he was. She could tell he truly wanted her to be productive and happy, and it was an odd feeling that she never got used to. She wasn't used to people caring about her like he did. She knew certain people loved her and cared about her but not like Elliot did.

"What?" He asked, noticing that she was still staring at him.

"I love you," she blurted.

A smile spread across his face as he replied, "I love you too, sweet girl."

As Lana's smile slowly faded, Elliot suddenly realized why she was so fidgety and weird – she was sober. He sighed, knowing she was probably in pain and going through slight withdrawal.

His mouth curved downward into a slight frown. It was a good thing that she was sober, of course, but withdrawal was a bad sign. He prayed that her bad habit was not getting worse.

"Now you're the one who looks sad," she commented, taking a bite of her food.

"Nah," he replied, shaking his head. He tried to come up with an excuse for the turn in his emotion when he noticed the gold locket hanging from her neck. "I just realized you were wearing the necklace I found."

She glanced down at it then smiled up at him proudly. "Yeah, I never take it off. I love it."

"Good," he responded, nodding.

Though the necklace wasn't made for her, she still considered it a gift from Elliot. She often stared at the people in the pictures in the locket, imagining what their lives were like. She had done a little research on the date, which she found out was during the Great Depression, so she figured whoever bought the locket must've had a lot of money, because hardly anyone would've been able to afford a gold necklace at the time.

She imagined the girl in the locket to be like her – sort of a princess who answered to no one. And she imagined the guy to be like Elliot – a tough guy who was merciful to his woman.

Regardless of whoever they used to be in real life, they were representations of Lana and Elliot now, hanging around her neck as a constant reminder of their love.


	10. Chapter 10

Lana sat on the granite countertop in her kitchen that was unnecessarily oversized for a girl who hardly cooked. An old Elvis album played on her record player as background music while she stared straight ahead, dazing in the middle of a low-grade high. She was thinking about sunflowers and how much they actually resembled the sun. She thought about the coincidence (or maybe it was irony, she debated in her mind) of that fact, but was promptly interrupted by the vibration of her cell phone in her pocket.

"Hello?" Lana answered, hazily.

"Hey, it's Olivia," the voice on the other end spoke.

"Hey, Liv!" Lana replied happily, suddenly very aware of her surroundings. She liked Olivia, and it was nice to get a random phone call from someone unexpected. A little bit of surprise in an otherwise predictable day.

"Look," Olivia sighed. "I just wanted to warn you about Elliot."

"What's wrong?" Lana asked, growing increasingly worried by the second. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's okay, but we encountered a pretty tough crime scene today," Olivia answered. "I won't go into too much detail, but it really ate Elliot up inside. He barely spoke the rest of the day unless he had to. And I just wanted to give you a heads up so you kind of knew what was going on, because I know he's headed over there, and he'll probably be acting strange, so I just didn't want you to worry or push the topic too much."

"Ohmygosh, okay," Lana nodded even though Olivia couldn't see her. "Thank you for letting me know."

"Take care of him, okay?" Olivia requested.

"Of course," Lana reassured her, knowing how much Olivia cared for and worried about Elliot.

They said their goodbyes and hung up.

Lana remained on the counter, anticipating when Elliot would arrive. Though she was curious about what had happened, she figured she probably didn't want to know the details of the crime scene they had to endure that day. Elliot had been a sex crimes detective for years and had bravely encountered many traumatizing crime scenes before, so she knew it had to be bad if he was shaken up by it.

She tried to take deep breaths and sober up quickly before he got there. She mostly wanted to be fully aware and present so she could be there for Elliot in his time of need, but she also wanted to avoid a fight, which happened often when he could tell she was high. She didn't want to make his bad day worse.

Nerves swiftly bubbled up in her stomach when she heard keys jiggling in the door. She jumped off the counter and waited impatiently until Elliot appeared in the hallway. He came to a halt when he walked into the kitchen on the opposite end from Lana.

"Hey babe," she greeted with a smile, trying to be inconspicuous despite the fact that she had been obviously waiting for him in the kitchen.

"Hey," he replied emotionless and dry, very much unlike his usual happy demeanor. His appearance was unusually disheveled; his tie hung loosely around his neck, the first few buttons of his shirt were undone, and his sleeves were rolled sloppily up his forearms.

Silently in her mind, Lana scrambled for what to say next. She cursed herself for still being high. She wanted to say something comforting but didn't want to expose Olivia for calling to inform her of what was going on.

"I was just about to make some coffee," she said. "Do you want some?"

She mentally kicked herself, unable to believe that making coffee was the **best** she could come up with at the time.

He nodded his head then said, "I'll be out on the balcony." Already, he was feeling overwhelmed, unable to breathe, and in need of fresh air.

Lana began to make a pot of coffee as Elliot stood on her balcony, leaning over onto the rail and gazing out into the parts of the city that her apartment overlooked. She moved slowly; she wanted to give him time to grieve or think or be alone or whatever it was that he needed to do at the time.

He typically lit up the room when he walked in, loving on her and kissing on her immediately. He would ask her about her day or tell her about his, only highlighting the good stuff that happened. His eyes were always bright and his demeanor was always happy.

It was very strange for Lana to see Elliot so blank, so nonexistent. She had seen him angry and she had seen him mean, but she had never seen him sad, and it brought out an unfamiliar feeling in her. Suddenly, she went from being unsure of what to say to being in complete autopilot, wanting to do whatever it took to make him feel better.

She told him many, many times that she loved him before, but she never really stopped to confirm that it was truly how she felt. It never really crossed her mind - the words usually just floated out of her mouth. And she figured if she didn't feel weird saying it then she must really love him.

But it wasn't until she felt her heart ache that she knew for sure. Seeing him in so much anguish made her want to hug him and hold him and cry for him. Seeing him like that made her wish _she_ was the one in pain, not him, which was weird because she was typically quite selfish in that way.

She seldom saw anything past her own nose, but as she took the time to observe Elliot from a distance, she realized she didn't value what he was worth. And it only made her heart ache more.

The beeping coffee pot snapped her out of her adult-like thoughts, signaling that the beverage was ready for consumption. She poured two servings of coffee, fixing one up to her liking and one up to Elliot's, then joined him on the balcony.

"Here," she stated as she handed him his mug.

He didn't respond as he took the coffee from her hands. He just held it in his grip as he continued to stare forward.

Lana felt a little uneasy when he didn't sip on his coffee, but she remained by his side, mimicking his stance of leaning over the railing and staring out into the city.

The sun was beginning to set, painting a quality portrait of Mother Nature's wonder in front of them.

"I don't appreciate this great view as much as I should," she admitted, trying to find appropriate words to fill the quiet gaps. "Most people don't get a view at all, much less one like this."

Again, Elliot didn't respond. He was like a soulless robot, and it was starting to freak her out and make her worry. She felt as if she was bothering him big time, but she remembered Olivia's phone call to warn her of the impending oddity. She agreed to take care of him, and she would.

"Look, I'm ready to listen when you're ready to talk, but until then, I'm just going to sit with you, okay?" Lana explained as she sat down on one of the two chairs on her balcony. "I'll be quiet and still, but I'm staying right here in case you need me."

On the inside, Elliot smiled a little. That was the first time Lana ever showed any real 'girlfriend-like' qualities toward him. It was the first time she reached out to him or supported him like that. Leave it to Lana to cheer him up even on the worst day he had in a long time.

Her calm demeanor relaxed him. From his head to his toes, he felt his tense muscles slowly loosening throughout his body, and his hardened jaw slowly softened. He didn't know how, but it seemed as if she already knew, before he got there, that something had happened, and she was well prepared to help him get through it.

After having said her piece, Lana began sipping on her coffee, admiring the view that she truly took for granted as she remained by Elliot's side for support. She felt a little at ease when Elliot sat in the other chair beside her and began taking sips of his coffee as well, showing at least a small sign of normal behavior.

Though she knew his job was full of horrific moments, he never talked about them. Not to her. And she always thought it was for _her_ own good, to protect her from the true evils of the world. But she realized that maybe it wasn't for her own good, maybe it was for _his_. Maybe he didn't talk about the things that haunted him because he wanted to leave them behind at work and escape from them. He separated work and home for a reason.

They sat in silence for what seemed like forever. The sun finished setting and the sky was now black around them. Stars were barely visible due to the bright lights of the city, but the moon was easily seen above them.

Elliot took a deep breath then began speaking, "When I would come home from work in bad moods, Kathy would always bug me to tell her what was wrong. I never wanted her to know about the shitty things that I had to deal with at work, because I didn't want them to haunt her like they haunted me, but she would nag me and nag me until I couldn't take it anymore. Then I would snap and yell at her and tell her all the horrible things I saw and dealt with, and it would freak her out, and we would get into these huge fights over essentially nothing, which would only make me feel worse."

Unsure of what to say, Lana remained silent.

"So thank you," Elliot stated, realizing he had probably confused the girl with his random anecdote of his married life. "Thank you for not bugging me and for just understanding. And mostly for just sitting here with me - letting me know I'm not going through it alone. Having your support means more to me than you'll ever know."

Lana glanced over at him. His green eyes had softened since he first got to her apartment and his face was not as rigid anymore either. He just seemed exhausted and defeated more than anything.

"I love you, and I want you to be happy - always happy. It wasn't something I had to think about. I was willing to do whatever it took to make you feel better," she told him honestly.

He looked over at her, seeing the sincerely in her face and the vulnerability in her eyes. She was so real and so raw at that moment; he fell in love with her all over again.

For a moment, life felt very normal to them. It was as if there were no drugs or failed marriages, no difficult jobs or meaningless lives, no disgusting drug dealers or nagging wives. It was just Elliot and Lana, sitting over New York City, content and together.


	11. Chapter 11

Around 1 AM, Elliot's cell phone trilled throughout he and Kathy's bedroom, interrupting and startling their deep slumber. He was used to receiving late night phone calls, being called out to a case in the middle of the night, so he didn't even bother to look at the caller ID when he answered.

"Stabler," he answered, groggily.

"Elliot?" Lana's soft voice whimpered out. It sounded as if she was crying.

Elliot quickly sat up in bed, suddenly very awake and alert once he heard the girl's troubled voice. He looked over at Kathy quickly, it appeared as if she were still asleep, so he kept his voice quiet.

"What's wrong?" He asked softly. "Are you okay?"

"Come get me," she cried into the phone, slightly slurring her words. "They took my purse."

"Who did?" He asked, getting up out of bed gently. "Where are you?"

"Morningside Heights – 110th at the park," she told him, sniffling. "They took my purse; I can't get home."

Elliot sighed. "Stay right where you are. I'll be right there."

He tried to remain quiet as he quickly threw on some clothes, so he wouldn't wake his sleeping wife. He didn't want to have to explain where he was going, since it was quite clear from his side of the conversation that he wasn't being called into work. But Kathy was already awake. She had heard the female voice on the other end of the phone as she pretended to be unconscious, knowing exactly where her husband was going, but she was too tired to start a fight or worry about it, so she kept her mouth shut and remained still until he left.

Elliot managed to make the 30-minute drive in less than 20 minutes as he rushed to Lana, steadily worrying about her wellbeing. He wondered why the hell she was so far away from home, probably drunk and high, and who had taken her belongings. He wondered what the hell had happened.

He pulled up onto the curb down 110th Street right in front of Morningside Park then jumped out of his car and began searching blindly for the girl. When he spotted her leaning against the rod iron fence that surrounded the park, he quickly jogged over to her.

She was slightly slumped over, and her clothes hung off of her body loosely. Her makeup was all over her face and her hair was disheveled. Being a sex crimes detective, he immediately feared the worst.

"Lana!" He called as he ran over to her.

With a delayed reaction, she picked up her head lazily and looked at him as he rushed over to her.

"Lana, baby, are you okay?" He asked frantically as he cupped both sides of her face.

"They stole my purse," she stated softly, dazed.

Elliot dropped his hands and looked around him but didn't see anyone else on the street. Though he knew whoever took her purse was most likely long gone, he looked around for possible witnesses or anyone who could explain the situation to him – sober, at least.

"Lana, look at me," he grabbed her chin lightly and held it up so she was looking him in the eye. "Who took your purse?"

"I don't know, they just knocked me down and took my purse," she answered simply.

"Did they do anything else to you? Did they hurt you?" He asked, silently praying she wasn't raped or attacked otherwise.

She shook her head, and his heart filled with relief.

"What are you doing way out here anyway?" He asked with a sigh as he dropped his hand from her face.

"I was at a party," she told him.

His mouth curved into a disappointed frown, though he wasn't surprised by her answer. "What are you on? And how much did you drink?"

She looked down then shook her head again, afraid to answer him.

He sighed loudly, figuring he probably didn't even want to know what kind of chemicals were in her system. He grabbed her arm and relented, "Come on, let's get you home."

She nodded and stumbled slightly as he guided her down the sidewalk.

"I was too scared to walk all the way home, and I had no money to get a cab or take the subway," she said, suddenly feeling the need to explain why she called him for him.

"It's okay," he told her as he opened the passenger door to help her in. "I'm glad you called me."

He shut her door then got into the driver's side and started the car. Though he was glad she called him instead of trying to walk home, which would've taken hours, especially due to her intoxication, he was still slightly unnerved by the fact that he had to drive into the city very late at night to save her ass...again.

The silence made Lana very uncomfortable as she felt she was inconveniencing Elliot greatly. And she was.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay," he repeated simply, knowing it was too late, she was too drunk, and he was too tired to let things escalate into a fight.

"You're mad," she commented as she glanced over at him.

"I'm just tired," he replied with a sigh. "It's late."

"I should've just walked home," she stated, mostly to herself.

"No, you should've just **stayed** home," he spat. "I don't know why the hell you felt the need to go to a party on a Tuesday night. Who the hell parties all night on a Tuesday?"

It was like taking care of a child sometimes. His heart pounded in his chest when he realized that his daughters were going to be teenagers and young adults one day, and he _prayed_ that they never acted out like Lana did.

"Why not?" She shrugged.

"Jesus Christ, we come from entirely different worlds," he scoffed as he shook his head at her.

She could feel the disappointment and self-righteousness radiating off of Elliot's body. Tears welled up in her eyes – since when did he judge her so harshly? And why the hell did he think he was so much better than her? Who was he to make that call?

She sniffled slightly as a few tears fell from her face.

"Don't cry," he told her softly.

She didn't respond.

Her inebriated mind was spinning. She was embarrassed that she had to call Elliot to save the day. And she was even more embarrassed when her knight in shining armor was simply disappointed that he had to save her – he made her feel inferior.

She didn't know why she was so out of control. Elliot made her want to be a better person, but she began to wonder if it was only because he made her feel so small, not because she truly wanted to be better for him.

Her feelings began to bubble up inside of her. She felt many different emotions, trying to suppress them all, which only made her feel worse.

They didn't speak for the rest of the ride to Lana's.

When they walked through the door of the overpriced, oversized apartment, Elliot stood in the kitchen as Lana continued a few more feet into the living room, not saying a word.

"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned by her silence.

She tried to reply with a fake 'yes' but instead, she just snapped. Every emotion she was feeling suddenly turned into anger. She wasn't okay – far from it. She tried incessantly to cover up that fact, mostly with drugs, but suddenly it was all on her sleeve.

Out of nowhere, she felt a violent urge and angrily shoved an expensive vase off a table next to her in her living room. The vase shattered on the ground, erupting through the silence of the night.

"What's wrong with you?!" Elliot asked, stunned by her sudden outburst.

"I don't know!" She screamed. Tears fell down her face, though she didn't realize she was crying. "What the hell is wrong with me?!"

He felt helpless as he watched the girl lose her mind.

"It's not fair! I just want to feel normal!" She screeched as she pushed the table over on its side; the loud crash made Elliot jump slightly.

Her mind bounced back and forth from being sad to angry back to sad then back to angry. She looked so frustrated and overwhelmed as she continued to knock things over and break them.

Elliot's heart began to ache in his chest as he watched her release her frustration. All of the anger he had ever felt toward her dissipated instantly. It was as if he could see straight into her soul. He could see her pain, her despair, and her loneliness. It was no wonder she constantly self-medicated. For a moment, he understood and didn't blame her for her bad habits.

He slowly approached her, not wanting her to do too much damage or hurt herself. He grabbed her arm to hug her, but she pushed him away roughly.

"No!" She yelled at him.

"Lana, baby, stop," he begged her as slight tears stung the corners of his eyes.

"No!" She repeated. "It's not fair! I just want my life to mean something!"

When she said those words, his heart shattered. He realized, right then and there, that she knew everything – everything he had thought and felt about her life being meaningless and unproductive, she thought and felt as well.

He grabbed her arm again, this time standing his ground and pulling her close even though she tried to fight him off and push him. He struggled to hold her as she punched him in his chest over and over again until she just collapsed in his arms, sobbing.

"What's wrong with me?" She cried just above a whisper, barely able to stand.

He shut his tearful eyes and pressed his lips into the top of her head loving as he held her up. He hugged her tightly, holding her close to his body, wanting her to know she was not alone – ever. His warmth sheltered her and his love embraced her. Her mind was still reeling, but she could feel his sadness as well.

She looked up at him with her hazy brown eyes. His green eyes were red and wet as he glanced back down at her.

Again, he felt as if he could see into her soul. Sometimes he wondered what the hell he was doing with the chaotic girl and how the hell they got so involved in each other's lives, because they came from opposite lifestyles and childhoods. Sometimes he just couldn't make sense of it.

But at that moment, he knew what he was doing with her. He loved her more than he ever thought possible, and that's what one does when they're in love – remain by their loved one's side and help them get through the toughest times of their life.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips onto her sweetly. She accepted his kiss and kissed him back, pouring all of her emotion into him instead of into the destruction of her apartment.

He brought a hand to the side of her face, cupping it gently and caressing her cheek with his thumb lightly. He kept his other hand on her back, keeping her close to him as if he was afraid she'd try to fight him off again.

It seemed like an emotional light switched was flipped, and their pitiful dejected emotions turned into sweet affectionate ones.

Elliot removed his lips from Lana's briefly then quickly brought his hands to her waist and picked her up. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and her legs around his waist then pressed her lips onto his again. It was odd how neither of them felt hot and heavy. They simply felt...romance.

As he carried her blindly into her bedroom, Lana couldn't help but be thankful for his existence. She knew she unintentionally treated him like shit sometimes, and he should've hated her for that, but he didn't. And even when he put space between them, he kept coming back around. She didn't deserve him or his love, but she needed it. She needed him.

In her bedroom, the atmosphere was entirely different. They left all their negativity and anger in the living room.

Elliot carefully laid Lana down on her bed, staring into her eyes. As he began removing her clothes, she felt meek and shy, like it was her first time being naked in front of him. It certainly wasn't, but it felt different to her, as if she was a lot more exposed and naked than any other time before.

When her clothes were off, he hovered over her, kissing her lovingly, doting on her and admiring her body. His hands gently caressed her sides as he kissed her chest.

She was surrounded by her soft white comforter and pillows, which looked and felt like clouds around them. It was peaceful in her room. Everything moved slowly and softly and appeared quite vivid.

Lana felt relaxed as she focused on his movements. She ran a hand through his hair and down the back of his head then rested it on the back of his neck as she watched him kiss between her breasts.

The growing tightness in his pants was beginning to distract him, so Elliot stood up and quickly shed his own clothes. As he moved to resume his place on top of her, he kissed a line up her thigh to her hips. His lips kissed the spot where her hipbone protruded beneath her skin, loving the little bulge it made. He continued kissing up her stomach, doting on the little protrusions from her ribcage, similar to the ones her hipbones made.

She felt immaculate while he adored every inch of her body. As a girl, she naturally felt flawed and self-conscious about every aspect of herself, but she was melting over the fact that Elliot was admiring even the things she hated about herself. But it was genuine, as there was not an inch of her body he wasn't in love with.

As his lips finally made their way up her neck and back to her own, he positioned himself between her legs. His thick head was throbbing at her warm entrance. Their eyes locked as he slowly pushed into her, and though they had been in this exact predicament numerous times before, this time was very different.

It wasn't lust or sex or hunger for each other. It was love. Simply love.

Elliot kissed her deeply as he began to slowly pull out and push back inside of her, finding a gentle yet appropriate pace, causing a sigh escaped Lana's lips.

"God, I love you so much," he sighed as he kissed the soft skin of her neck.

"Mmm, I love you too," she replied softly as the passion began to overwhelm her.

When he brought his face back up to hers, she rested her hand on the back of his neck again as their hips moved in unison. It was the first time they truly made love, instead of just having sex, causing their relationship to grow that night.


	12. Chapter 12

**Attention Readers!**** I often come up with little ideas to write about but they're usually never enough for full stories, only one-shots, so I was thinking about maybe posting a series of Elliot one-shots (each with different original love interest characters and plots). And I was wondering if you guys would be interested in reading them? I'm still fairly new to this site, so I'm not sure if that is something that would work well on the site, so I'd love some feedback or input about the idea! Feel free to send me a message about it! Thanks! &***

* * *

The next morning, Elliot woke early with a smile on his face. Despite the events of the night before, he had high hopes for the day ahead of them, as he had devised a possible plan that might get Lana on the right track.

"Lana, baby," he cooed in her ear as he moved her curls out of her face. "Wake up."

Her eyelashes fluttered open softly, revealing her sleepy brown eyes.

"What time is it?" She tiredly asked as her body still ached with exhaustion.

"A little after seven," he answered.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Why are you waking me up at the butt-crack of dawn?"

He chuckled a little. "I want to take you somewhere."

"Where?" She asked.

"It's a surprise," he replied. "I want to show you something special to me."

"Why?"

"Because," he laughed. "It'll be fun, and I think you'll enjoy it. It'll be something good for the two of us to do together."

She sighed. "You're lucky you're cute."

"I know," he said with a smirk. "Now get up!"

She groaned but did as he instructed.

The two showered together quickly then got dressed. Elliot was ready in a matter of minutes, but in typical girl fashion, Lana took a bit longer.

He sat on her bed, waiting patiently as she continued to get dressed in the bathroom. He didn't want to bring up the topic of drugs if he didn't have to, but he wanted her to remain sober for the rest of the day, so he listened closely to her movements so he would hear her if she began preparing any type of drug.

Little did he know, Lana had already swallowed three white pills. He expected to either hear the crushing of cocaine or the rolling of a joint, so her actions went right over his head.

The pills were only Xanax, a medicine she was prescribed, but she tripled her dosage. She decided not to do any street drugs, because Elliot could always tell when she was high, and she wanted to avoid any confrontation after the incredible love they made the night before. But she still had a hard time getting through the day sober, so she took the less obvious way to get high and tripled up her dosage to keep her mind calm.

Once she was ready, the two headed out the building, passing Dennis, who was thrilled to see the couple together again and seemingly happy. They hopped in Elliot's car and made a fairly short drive through the city.

Lana was excited to see where Elliot was so eager to take her. She had absolutely no idea where they were heading, but she imagined it had to be some place good if he woke her up at seven o'clock in the morning for it.

When they arrived at their destination and parked the car, Lana glanced over at him confused.

"What are we doing **here**?" She asked, unable to find a connection between the building and Elliot.

"You'll see," he told her as he got out of the car, smiling. She did the same then followed him into the building.

They took an elevator to the ninth floor. For a moment, Elliot prayed that his plan would be successful and that he had thought it through enough to execute it properly. He prayed that she would enjoy their day and take up a new, productive hobby, which would hopefully put her on the right track.

When the mechanical doors opened, Lana's eyes fell onto a large banner than hung from the ceiling. It looked happy with bright colors, but the words written in large letters made her heart sink into her chest:

**MEMORIAL SLOAN KETTERING CANCER CENTER:**

** PEDIATRIC UNIT**

She immediately grew uncomfortable and nervous as she followed Elliot out of the elevator.

"Are you kidding me?" She asked with a hushed voice. "This is where you take me? This is fun and special?"

Elliot ignored her frantic questions as he walked up to the front desk that was guarding two large doors.

"Good morning, Elliot! I wasn't expecting you today!" The older nurse greeted from behind the counter. "Checking in with a guest?"

"Yes, please," he answered with a nod, still smiling.

The nurse handed him two visitor passes, one he clipped to his shirt and the other he clipped to Lana's. He thanked her and walked toward the two large doors.

"Seriously, what are we doing here?" Lana asked, still with a hushed voice. "I don't get it. Kids with cancer are not what I consider fun."

He turned to face her, figuring he better explain himself before she got too upset. He had been very vague from the start, but only because he didn't think she would agree to it otherwise. Boy was he right.

"No one knows about this, but when I'm struggling with a particularly bad case at work, I come here," he told her with seriousness in his eyes. "It makes me feel better. It's still difficult, these kids are still in tough situations, but it's an extreme on the opposite end. They're battling something just as traumatizing as the kids I work with, but these kids have so much hope and optimism, and it gives me hope and optimism – mostly for my victims, because sometimes I worry that those kids won't be okay. Even if it's false hope, coming here just makes me feel better. And it gives me a better perspective on life."

Lana couldn't speak. She could barely even move. She had never seen a depth in Elliot like that and it made her want to cry. She suddenly didn't recognize him, but in a good way.

He didn't wait for a response from her. He just turned around and walked through the large doors. Lana stayed where she was, still stunned by his speech to her.

She heard a bunch of tiny little voices screech, "ELLIOT!" on the other side of the door. She took a deep breath, prepared herself for heartache, and walked through the doors.

The room she walked into was brightly colored. There were many hospital beds and curtains and televisions surrounded by small children running around. Everything was small and colorful.

She stood by the door at first, observing her surroundings and taking everything in.

Elliot was a few feet away, kneeling down on the ground as a handful of children surrounded him. He maintained a genuine smile on his face, which made the children flock to him. One thing he learned from having kids is that they like happy people.

One by one, the children fluttered away from him, getting back to their playing, but a little girl wearing a princess dress over her hospital gown, sat on his knee, talking to him. Lana couldn't hear what they were saying, but the little girl smiled and laughed at Elliot's words to her.

Though Lana was prepared for a depressing scene, what she saw actually made her heart happy. And she adored seeing Elliot like that. She figured he'd be great with kids – hell, after four kids, he should be great with them – but she wasn't expecting her ovaries to nearly explode from how adorable it was.

He looked up at her and waved her over. She smiled and walked over to where he was kneeling with the child. He motioned for her to kneel down to their level and she did.

"Lana, this is Sophia," Elliot introduced.

"Hi Sophia," Lana smiled at her.

"Hi," the child shyly responded. "Your hair is pretty."

Lana chuckled a little. "Thank you. Your dress is pretty – I really like it."

"Thanks." Sophia smiled. "I'm a princess."

"I see that," Lana replied. "You're a very pretty princess."

Elliot smiled as he watched the two interact. He had never seen Lana with children before and honestly didn't know how she felt about them, so he was glad to see her acting so appropriate with the little girl.

They spent the entire morning with the children in the pediatric unit of the cancer center. They colored and painted with Sophia, who had a rare form of leukemia. They played basketball with a boy named Ryan, who had a brain tumor. And they building a huge Lego tower with a little boy named Christopher and a little girl named Annabelle, both had neuroblastomas.

Though each child's story nearly ripped her heart into shreds, Lana was impressed by their positive attitudes and good natures. Most of these children were nearing their deathbeds, but it appeared as if they weren't even sick. After paying all their hospital and doctor bills, most of their families had very little to live on, but they were still thriving.

That day opened Lana's eyes greatly. These kids had **nothing**, not even their health, yet they were still _so_ happy. Lana had **everything**, including her health, yet she was so _unhappy_.

The drive back to her apartment was silent at first. Elliot wondered if he did a good thing by bringing her to the hospital. He silently cursed himself for not realizing the plan could backfire – bringing her to hang out with kids with cancer could've only made her _more_ depressed. He prayed the kids would give her hope and strength, as they did to him, but he couldn't guarantee it.

Just as he was beginning to think that her silence was a bad sign, Lana took a deep breath beside him.

"I want to go with you when you go back," she stated softly.

Elliot looked over at her, surprised by her statement, and noticed she was staring at the painting that Sophia had made for her. He smiled. He wouldn't know for a while if his plan had worked or not, but he felt like maybe he found something productive and positive for Lana to do with her time. And maybe it would help turn her life around.


	13. Chapter 13

Unconditional love. Pure happiness. Insane pride. All of the above described what Elliot felt as he watched Kathleen 'graduate' from Kindergarten. He and Kathy sat side-by-side in the second row of chairs lined up in front of the cafeteria stage, watching proudly as their five-year-old received her 'diploma'.

It made him feel a bit ridiculous to be so excited about his daughter completing Kindergarten, as he figured she probably didn't do much beside color and play, but something about the child he created and adored completing a necessary milestone made him beyond proud.

The small children lined up on the stage in their miniature caps and gowns as they sang a cheesy song about being friends.

"She looks so damn cute in that cap and gown," Elliot whispered to Kathy, beaming up at his child.

"I know," Kathy replied, smiling just as wide.

It was as if the dueling couple had come to a truce, at least for the morning. There was an unintentional peace between them that morning, as they were so excited and proud of their daughter. Kindness came easy that day.

It was almost a glimpse into the past, reminiscent of the earlier days of their marriage when they were happy and in love.

When the ceremony was over and the children were dismissed, Kathleen ran over to her parents happily. "Daddy!" She screeched when she jumped into his arms.

He picked her up proudly, kissing her cheek. "I am so proud of you! You are such a big girl!"

"I graduated," she told him simply and excitedly.

"Mommy's so proud of you, too," Kathy cooed as she leaned over and kissed her daughter's cheek.

"Thanks, Mommy." Kathleen smiled.

From the outside looking in, they seemed like a happy, perfect family. Hell, they _felt_ like a happy, perfect family.

"So, uh, since your mom has the twins, we should take Kathleen out for lunch. Together," Elliot suggested with slight hesitance in his voice, as he was unsure of what his wife would think about the idea. "What do you think?"

Initially, Kathy was surprised. "You don't have anywhere else to be?"

He shook his head. "Nope. This is exactly where I have to be."

She smiled then nodded, wanting their faux happiness to last a little longer. "Sure, let's take her to lunch."

* * *

The picture of a perfect, happy family was painted at the table of the small restaurant as Elliot sat across from his wife and daughter while they treated her to a special lunch without the hassle of her siblings. Genuine giggles escaped the lips of the three Stablers; it was such an easy moment for them.

The sound of Elliot's phone abruptly ended the merriment and dropped the smiles of Kathy and Kathleen. Kathy knew a phone call either meant work or the other woman. Kathleen knew a phone call meant a disruption in her parent's contentment.

Trying to play it cool and not let it ruin the mood, Elliot answered with a smile, still chewing a small bite of food.

"Stabler," he greeted.

"El..." Olivia's sympathetic voice came from the other end of the line.

"Liv?" Elliot asked as his smile quickly faded. "What's wrong?" He knew his partner well enough to know what the tone of her voice implied.

Kathy stared at her husband intensely. She truly always suspected that if he ever had an affair with another woman, it would be with Olivia, as they were close and spent most of their time together. At first, she loathed his partner. But now, she practically adored the woman for _not_ being his mistress.

"Elliot, it's Lana," Olivia stated softly.

Elliot's heart sank into his stomach as his appetite quickly disappeared. "What happened?"

"You need to get down to the hospital – Mercy Grace," Olivia instructed him.

"I'm right around the corner," he replied. "Be right there."

He hung up and shoved his phone into his pocket. He threw his jacket on as he stood up and looked at his daughter sympathetically.

"Daddy's gotta head to work to meet Olivia, okay? But I love you and I'm so proud of you, and I'll see you at home tonight, okay?"

Though disappointed, Kathleen nodded, staring up at her father as Kathy looked at her daughter understandingly. She had been waiting for something to ruin their rare moment of happiness as a family. She believed Elliot was truly going to work, and she realized then that her husband's job had basically always been 'the other woman' and that their problems would occur regardless of an actual mistress or not.

Elliot kissed his daughter on the top of her head, smiled apologetically at his wife, then hurried out the door.

As he hurried to the hospital, his mind panicked. If Olivia wouldn't disclose what had happened over the phone, it had to be serious. He panicked even more when he wondered what Olivia was even doing with Lana, hoping a sex crime hadn't been committed.

He found Olivia standing outside the entrance of the hospital, waiting for her partner.

"Liv, what happened? Where's Lana? Why'd they call you?" He asked, breathing heavily. He didn't even realize he was out of breath until he spoke.

"I overheard a call on the scanner about a naked, unconscious female at the Sky Lofts who overdosed," she explained. "I knew Lana lived there and knowing her past, I just...I hurried to the scene to see if it was her. It was."

"God, Liv, tell me she's still alive," Elliot pleaded as his face fell. Olivia noticed the red rim around his sunken eyes. He looked like he was in so much pain, because he was. He physically ached at the thought of something bad happening to Lana.

"They're working on her," she told him with a nod. "She crashed a few times in the bus, but they're pumping her stomach and flushing her system - she should be okay."

Elliot nodded softly then asked, "Was she...assaulted?"

Olivia sighed. "They quickly examined her on the ride here and found fluids between her legs. It was too hard to tell if she had been raped because if she was unconscious when it happened, there wouldn't necessarily be signs of trauma or resistance. So we'll have to just talk to her when she wakes up."

Elliot sighed and rubbed his head as he felt an oncoming headache.

"There's something else," Olivia added.

He looked at her with eager eyes, waiting for her to continue.

"The doorman, Dennis, stopped me and said he knew you. He said you would know who did this," Olivia informed him.

Elliot narrowed his eyes at her. "How would I..." Before he could even finish his sentence, he quickly realized what Dennis meant – _who_ Dennis meant. "Bert," he growled deeply. "Liv, I need you to stay with Lana and call me if anything happens."

Olivia nodded, though confused, and watched as Elliot pulled his phone out of his pocket then hurried in the opposite direction.

"Hello?" Dennis answered.

"It was Bert, wasn't it?" Elliot immediately asked.

"Yes. I didn't see him come in, I don't know when he got here, but all of a sudden he rushed out the door with a crazy look on his face," Dennis explained. "I had a bad feeling about it so I went to check on Miss Phoenix – I was the one who found her and called the police."

"Thank you, Dennis," Elliot replied. "You saved her life."

Without waiting for a response, he hung up the phone and dialed his fellow coworkers.

"Elliot, what's going on?" Fin questioned as he answered his phone.

"I need you to get me an address," Elliot stated. "Bert Langton. I know the asshole has a record."

"Alright, hold on," Fin replied as Elliot heard tapping on a keyboard.

"Write the address down. I'll be at the station in five minutes – meet me downstairs, I'll need you to come with me for backup," Elliot requested. "And don't mention anything to Cragen – this is 100% off the record."

* * *

With their guns drawn, Elliot and Fin walked cautiously down the hallway of the dilapidated apartment complex. They took stance on either side of the intended door. Elliot signaled to Fin, who followed the knowing command and backed up so he wouldn't be visible through the peephole.

"Bert Langton!" Elliot called as he knocked on the door firmly with one hand, holding his gun steady with the other. "Open up!"

Shuffling could be heard on the other side of the door but no response.

"I know you're in there, Langton. We can do this the easy way or the hard way!" Elliot shouted.

The shuffling stopped but still no response.

"I need to talk to you – man to man!" Elliot continued, trying to come up with some bullshit story to convince him to willingly come out of the apartment. They couldn't enter his apartment without his consent, there was no cause or concern, so they had to coax him out. "Look, Lana's in the hospital, and she's not doing well, and they need to know what drugs are in her system so they can give her the proper medication. I know you were with her; you need to talk to me so they can save her."

Elliot listened closely as he heard shuffling toward the door.

"You're lying!" Bert called through the door. "You have your gun drawn!"

"As a cop, I always have my gun drawn," Elliot defended. "I have to assume you have weapons in there – the gun is only for my protection, not your harm."

Bert didn't reply.

"I know you care about Lana as much as I do," Elliot lied, causing Fin to scoff sarcastically. "I know you don't want to live with the guilt if she dies because you didn't tell me what happened. Open the door so we can talk."

"Put your gun away and you can come in," Bert negotiated.

"I have to see for myself that you're unarmed first, then I'll put it away," Elliot replied.

The door opened slowly and Bert raised his hands as proof that he had no weapons.

"I don't even own a gun," he told Elliot. "Just put yours away and come in."

As they had discussed and planned, Elliot grabbed Bert with his free hand and shoved him to the ground, kicking the door shut behind him, while Fin remained outside, moving from the side of the door to the front of the door, acting as a guard.

"Help!" Bert hollered, realizing what was happening. "Shit."

Elliot hovered over the frightened criminal then swung his burly fist into his jaw, knocking his face sideways. Blood immediately trickled from his mouth.

Elliot shoved his gun into Bert's bloody mouth and glared at him. "You stupid son of a bitch. I swear to God, I want nothing more than to pull this trigger and blow your goddamn brains through the floor. And the only reason why I'm not going to is because I'd rather see you rot in jail for the rest of your life. But if I find out you raped Lana, in addition to pumping her full of drugs, I will personally drive to Rikers and put a bullet in your brain."

Bert tried to speak but choked on the gun, so Elliot removed it from his mouth.

"She wanted it," Bert spat.

Elliot narrowed his eyes at him.

"She wanted me to fuck her," Bert provoked.

With one swift movement, Elliot whipped Bert in the face with his metal pistol, causing more blood to flow out of his mouth and nose. He stood up with a disgusted and stunned look on his face then kicked the bleeding man in his stomach. Then again. And again.

Bert groaned loudly. Fin, realizing what was happening behind him, quickly opened the door then grabbed Elliot.

"Elliot, that's enough," Fin warned.

"I'm gonna kill him," Elliot growled, focused solely on the man on the ground.

"You can't do that," Fin reminded him, pulling him back some more. "Come on, what's Lana gonna do when you're spending the rest of your life in jail? She needs you, man."

Fin knew exactly what to say, because Elliot's face softened at the thought of Lana needing him.

"If you –" Bert tried to speak but choked on his own blood. He groaned as he leaned over and spit the contents of his mouth onto the ground to clear his airway. "If you arrest me, you'll have to arrest Lana too."

Elliot scoffed. "Not this time, asshole. Lana's not anywhere around here."

Bert chuckled a little. "You have no idea, do you?"

Elliot narrowed his eyes at him. "No idea about what?"

"Whose money do you think started my little business of selling drugs?" Bert asked rhetorically.

"She wasn't selling," Elliot defended, though his concern was growing. "You're full of shit."

Bert chuckled again. "She paid for all my supplies so I could start selling, so I could get in with the good dealers and bring her the best shit. And I'm gonna tell my lawyer about everything she was involved in. She practically started my business for me."

Elliot stared at him in disbelief.

"He's right," Fin told Elliot quietly and discreetly. "The guys in narcotics are going to be all over her too if she's the reason why he's dealing, especially since she was clearly doing the drugs too."

Bert smirked maliciously. "If you throw my ass in jail, she's going with me."

Elliot sighed, but refused to be defeated. He knew if he threw Lana in jail, he would be destroying their relationship. But he also knew that if he didn't throw Bert in jail, he would practically be destroying Lana's life. To him, her life was more important than their relationship.

He knew what he had to do.

* * *

Elliot will never forget the confusion on Lana's face as Fin placed handcuffs on her wrists, attaching her to the hospital bed. He will never forget the frightened sound that escaped her lips while her Miranda rights were being read to her. He will never forget the way she looked at him for help, to save her and protect her like he always did. And he will **never** forget the betrayed look on her face when she realized that he knew what was going on and that he wasn't going to do anything to help her.

Fin gave Lana an apologetic look when he was done 'arresting' her, though she would remain in the hospital until she was healthy enough to go to central booking and arraignment. He gave Elliot a sympathetic look as he left the room, giving them a moment alone, despite the fact that they technically weren't allowed to talk due to personal conflictions in the case.

"Lana, baby, we won't be able to talk for a while, but I just want you to know I am so sorry," Elliot told her softly. "I know you'll never believe me, and I understand why, but I promise I'm only doing this because I love you."

Lana looked up at him with dark, sad eyes, very different from the vibrant brown eyes he was in love with. He'll never forget the way her eyes changed that day.

"Get out," Lana spat. "I don't ever want to see you again."

Elliot's heart shattered into a million pieces. "Baby, I –"

"Get out!" She screamed at him.

Though he felt like vomiting, he nodded and walked out of the room slowly, glancing up at her one more time before shutting the door behind him. He will never forget the way his heart ached when Lana refused to look back at him.

"Sorry, El," Olivia comforted as she saw the expression on his face when he walked out of the room.

"It's for her own good," Elliot defended in an attempt to convince himself more than his partner. "Did you hear back from Casey about the rape charges?"

She nodded, but from her hesitation, he could tell it wasn't good news.

"They'll charge him with the rape since she was too drugged up to know what was happening, but since she willingly took the drugs on her own and technically consented, they aren't going to treat her like a victim or lessen her charges because of it," She explained.

Elliot sighed, putting his head in his hand. "This is fucked up."

"I know." Olivia rubbed her partner's back lovingly in an attempt to comfort him. "She'll understand one day. She'll realize why you did it, and she'll thank you."

Elliot nodded, but he wasn't convinced. He had betrayed her so cruelly, completely catching her off guard, knocking the wind out of her. He didn't think she would ever forgive him. And he truly didn't blame her.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Second to last chapter! Enjoy! &***

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"Casey told me that Lana is being released tomorrow," Olivia stated as she entered the squad room late in the evening.

"Oh yeah?" Elliot casually replied as he stood over his desk, mindlessly thumbing through some paperwork.

"Yeah," she responded, wondering how much to press the topic with him. "Have you heard anything from her?"

He shook his head in response but didn't verbally reply. He was trying to play it cool and casual, trying to act like he didn't really care, but he was hurting on the inside, because **months** had gone by without a word from Lana. He hadn't seen her or heard from her since her arrest in the hospital.

He couldn't go an entire day without thinking about her. Hell, he couldn't even go an entire hour without thinking about her. But he tried hard to keep her out of his thoughts since she had washed her hands of him.

Lana was done with him, but he wasn't done with her, he wasn't done trying. He was simply giving her adequate time to cool off, afraid that he'd push her away even more by reaching out to her too soon. So he stayed his distance but kept up with her case and her wellbeing through their ADA, Casey.

Thanks to Lana's father's social status and the fact that her record was otherwise clean, she was sentenced to serve only six months in jail – no probation afterwards. During those incarcerated six months, she was required to complete a rehabilitation program.

According to Casey's updates, Lana seemed to be doing really well with everything and in good spirits, but she maintained absolutely zero contact with Elliot.

Despite the fact that he was glad she was doing so well, his heart hadn't been intact for months, and it constantly felt like a fire was blazing in his stomach. Pieces of him were missing and his soul was drained.

He hoped and prayed that once she was out of jail, she would want to get back in touch with him. He hope and prayed that she finally understood why he had her arrested and that maybe, just maybe, she realized he did it because he loved her.

But days passed. Then weeks passed. And Elliot still never heard a word from her. Though she was free and seemingly doing better, she wasn't reaching out to him.

When a month had passed, he took matters into his own hands. He figured he had given her plenty of time to come around, and if she wasn't going to take the first step, then he would.

On that fateful day, he marched down the sidewalk to the building where Lana lived. His heart thumped in his chest and sweat beads formed on his brow. Every emotion was bubbling up in his stomach, overflowing and consuming him, but he wasn't going to falter. He was going to get her back.

"Mr. Stabler," Dennis greeted in a surprised tone in the doorway. "What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean?" Elliot wondered with a puzzled look. "I know it's been a while, but I'm here to see Lana."

"Miss Phoenix moved out of the building a couple weeks ago," Dennis informed him.

Elliot's face fell and his brow furrowed. "...what? Where'd she move to?"

Dennis shrugged. "I'm sorry, but I don't know. To be honest, I kind of figured she moved somewhere with you."

Elliot slowly shook his head. "No. I haven't heard from her in months."

"Oh," Dennis responded with a solemn face. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Elliot replied softly, but his mind was elsewhere. "Hey, if you hear from her, let me know, will you? I just want to make sure she's doing okay."

"Of course," Dennis agreed.

"Thanks," Elliot muttered before he walked away.

The fire in his stomach continued to burn as another month passed. The hole in his heart was gaping.

"Elliot?" Kathy called as she entered their home, hands full of mail. "There's a package on the doorstep. Can you grab it? My hands are full."

"Who's it from?" Elliot asked as he entered the living room holding one of the twins.

"Doesn't say," she answered.

He pursed his lips together in curiosity then waited as she set the contents in her arms on the kitchen table then turned around and took the baby from him. As he walked toward the front door, he heard his wife begin talking to their child in motherese.

Though their marriage was still over and beyond repair, their turmoil had been less intense lately. Kathy could tell the 'other woman' was out of the picture due to all the time Elliot spent at home lately. She wanted so badly to attribute their weakened tension to the mistress' departure, but she knew that wasn't the case. She could tell her husband was suffering from a broken heart, from an unfilled void in his life, and she knew he just didn't have the energy to fight with her anymore. He wasn't happy, and things hadn't gotten better, the conflicts just decreased.

When Elliot opened the front door and stepped outside, he found a white box sitting beside the 'Welcome' mat. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously as he picked up the package.

He opened the box and found a folded-up note. When he removed the piece of paper, he was very surprised to see four bundles of money hiding underneath. His eyes widened when he realized they were bundles of hundred dollar bills. He grew incredibly apprehensive, so he quickly opened the note and immediately recognized the girly handwriting.

_Stabler,_

_ I will never be able to repay you for all the times you saved my life. I will never be able to repay you for all that I put you through or how horribly I've treated you in the past. You were nothing short of incredible to me, and I will forever be in your debt._

_ I've thought long and hard about ways to repay you, and though it will not even come close to compensation for all you've done, I've put $100,000 in this box – not for you, but for each of your kids, at the request that it goes to their college funds (I would've just written a check, but I figured cash would be easier to keep anonymous to your wife, just in case). I've caused a lot of trouble for you, so hopefully this will make at least one aspect of life a little easier for you and your family. I know your children will thrive with your guidance as their father, and I hope this helps them reach the destination you'll guide them to._

_ I am so deeply sorry for every time I was the cause of anything negative in your life, however I cannot say that I regret any of it. For a while, I did. For a while, I regretted our relationship and wondered how the hell we got so tangled up in each other and why. And I know at times you felt the same. But now I know that you were put in my life to save me and make me a better person. And you did both. You saved my life so many times and made me a stronger person. I can only hope that you benefitted (at least a little) from knowing me as well._

_ And I'm sorry for not having any contact with you since the hospital. At first, I was angry and felt so betrayed, so I ignored you out of spite. But eventually I understood and appreciated what you did. However, I still could not contact you – I had to break **all** my addictions while in rehab, and I was certainly addicted to you and our chaos._

_ I know it was abrupt, but please don't hate me for disappearing without saying goodbye; it's for the best. I no longer want to be in the way of your relationship with your family or a threat to your job and happiness. _

_ But please don't ever forget that I will love you always._

_ -L_


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: This is the end! Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed this story – especially busybeekisses19, QueenHecate92, and Keem2129 for reviewing so often! Be on the lookout for a new Elliot story soon! &***

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The bright sunlight of the early morning reflected off of the turquoise water of Lake Champlain. A vague silhouette of jagged mountaintops lined the backdrop of the immaculate view. The only audible sounds came from birds chirping and the water swaying. From the second story balcony of her new home, Lana peered down into her flawless new backyard, soaking in all the beauty. It was the same sight she had seen for six months now, but she still stopped to admire and appreciate it every morning.

That was how she lived her life now. Appreciating every little aspect, admiring every speck of beauty, acknowledging every blessing. She lived life slowly, not wanting to rush too fast and miss any part of it.

She pictured Elliot down by the lake, imagining him throwing a tennis ball or stick to play fetch with a dog they rescued, or fishing off the rocky shore with one of his kids. She thought about him often – missing him but hoping he was doing better without her.

After she had served her sentence and completed rehab, she felt like a whole new person. She was proud of herself. She had _accomplished_ _something. _But on the day she was released from jail, she went home to her large empty apartment, which held memories that would haunt her and drive her back to the point of chaotic insanity. She was no longer a vacant soul without a purpose. Now, she had drive and ambition, and she wanted to keep her life on that track.

Without hesitation, she put her apartment up for sale, packed up _only_ what was necessary, and moved upstate to a gorgeous lake house overlooking Lake Champlain on acres of property. She sold everything she wasn't taking with her and left the profits on Elliot's doorstep, turning the bad past into a good future – for his children at least.

During the first week of her new life, she enrolled in nursing school at Plattsburg State University and took a paid internship at a children's hospital across the lake in Vermont, which she rode the ferry to. It was difficult getting on her feet and learning the ropes of the real world, and at times, she still struggled with having adult responsibilities, but she made a few friends between school and work who helped her out greatly when she didn't know what to do next in her adulthood.

Between school and her job, she stayed busy, which helped patch the missing hole in her heart, or at least covered it up temporarily. However, it was still there. And she knew exactly why.

She was still madly in love with Elliot Stabler. At first, she fought it. She tried to push him out of her mind constantly. But he crept back in every time, so she caved. She accepted the fact that she still loved him, but she knew she had to move on. She knew he was better off without her distracting him from things like his wife and children and job.

Unexpectedly, Lana heard the doorbell rang. She sauntered back inside and downstairs, assuming she'd see a neighbor (though she didn't have any for miles on either side) or maybe a friend from school or work (though she didn't think anyone knew specifically where she lived).

Her heart stopped beating and she came to an immediate halt when she saw Elliot Stabler through the window of her door. It was dark in the living room, and she could tell he couldn't see her as he looked around nervously. He looked different yet completely the same. His soft grey fitted long-sleeve shirt clung to his chest – his toned pectorals quite apparent under the fabric. His sleeves were pulled up, as usual, revealing his tan skin and chiseled arms. His hair was short, recently buzzed, and his grey-green eyes popped from the sunlight.

The wind was knocked out of her, and suddenly, Lana didn't know where she was. She didn't know what day it was, or what time it was, or why she was standing on a staircase, staring at Elliot though a door. It was as if she blacked out, taking a full ten seconds to regain awareness and consciousness.

She continued over to the door and opened it carefully.

Elliot glanced up at her and their eyes met. He immediately noticed her big, deep brown eyes. The last time he had seen them, they were dark, cold, and empty. They had haunted him ever since. But now they were vibrant and sparkling and open and alluring, just as they were when he first fell in love her. He could always see her soul through her eyes, and he could've cried right then and there, realizing that she was happy, healthy, and thriving.

He couldn't speak. His entire world was standing right in front of him, and he couldn't speak. He spent the entire five-hour drive rehearsing what he was going to say to her, how he was going to sweep her off of her feet, how he was going to win her back, but his thoughts vanished and his mind went blank.

"Elliot..." Lana whispered softly, hit with the realization that he was truly standing in front of her.

His lips instinctively curled up into a gentle smile when he heard her sweet voice say his name.

"I'm sorry, I know it's early, but I had to see you," he said, trying to explain his sudden presence.

"How'd you find me here?" She asked. Though she hadn't purposefully _tried_ to keep her location a secret, hardly anyone knew her new address.

"Um..." He broke eye contact, slightly ashamed at his answer. "Unsolicited investigating," he told her honestly, glancing back up at her. "I'm a detective, remember? It's my job to find people who don't want to be found."

When she didn't respond, he grew concerned that he acted too impulsively and made a mistake driving five hours up Interstate 87 in the middle of the night to find her. But that wasn't going to stop him from trying to make things right again.

"Can we talk? Can I come in?" He asked shyly.

"Oh," Lana blinked a few times, as if she was out of it and snapping back in. "Of course, sorry."

She moved to the side to allow him to enter her home then shut the door behind him.

"Do you want some coffee? I was just about to make a pot," she fibbed as she made her way into the kitchen, fumbling for ways to delay the impending conversation.

She was quickly reminded of the time she told the same lie for the same reason when Elliot came to see her after a particularly bad day at work – a memory from the day she realized she was truly in love with him.

"That'd be great, thanks," he replied as he sat on a barstool at the island counter in her kitchen.

Lana avoided looking him in the eye as she began gathering the contents for coffee for two. She assumed he was going to tell her all these sweet and romantic things to try and win her over and get her to move back to the city with him, but she intended on standing her ground and refusing. She figured he still wanted the best for her and that his intentions were still good and genuine, but she had to stay away from that part of her old life.

Her new life had already begun and she was succeeding – for once in her life – and she had no intentions of relapsing on **any** of her addictions, including her addiction to Elliot and their chaotic relationship.

"Nice place you've got out here," he spoke up, pretending to admire her new home. But he really hadn't looked at the house much since he could hardly take his eyes off of her, almost afraid she'd disappear again if he did. He watched as she carefully prepared a pot of coffee with her back to him. Her brown hair fell down her back in soft curls, much longer than it was the last time he saw her. His eyes couldn't help but land on her hips and butt, the parts of her womanly figure that he missed so much.

"Thanks," she replied, still with her back to him. "I really enjoy it out here."

"How have you been?" He asked.

"Really good," she answered honestly as she turned the coffee pot on.

"Come on, Lana," he responded. "Give me more than that. I want to know what's going on in your life."

She sighed softly then turned around to face him and leaned back onto the counter behind her, recognizing that he deserved to know about her life. After all, she wouldn't still have one if it weren't for him.

"Um, I'm in nursing school, and I work at a hospital across the lake in Vermont," she informed, crossing her arms across her chest. "It's a lot of hard work, but I really like it, and it keeps me busy."

"Wow." Elliot raised his eyebrows as his heart fluttered happily. That was all he wanted to know for so long. All he wanted to know was how she was doing and what she was doing. And he was ecstatic to see that she was doing so well. "I'm really proud of you."

Easing up a little bit, Lana smiled. "Thanks."

"I knew you had it in you," he told her as he leaned forward, folding his arms and resting his elbows on the counter. "We were a mess, but that's why I stuck around and did what I did. I always saw the potential in you."

Her smile faltered a little as she became aware of the fact that she had no choice but to accept that they were about to discuss many things about the past that she had repressed and pushed to the back of her mind. She knew the sooner their talk started, the sooner it would end, so she decided to initiate it.

"What are you doing here, Stabler?" She asked with a sigh.

"I wanted to thank you," he told her as he looked down at his arms then back up at her. "For the money you left."

"You didn't drive five hours in the middle of the night just to thank me," she insisted.

He sighed. "I just wanted to see you, Lana. I wanted to see for myself that you were doing okay and that you were happy."

When she didn't respond, he sheepishly looked away again, but this time, his eyes were drawn to something shiny around her neck. It was the gold locket he had found and given to her. She was still wearing it, and he took that as a good sign that maybe his trip to see her wasn't a lost cause.

His rehearsed monologue was still long gone in his mind, but words began erupting from his heart and spewing out of his mouth – his standard word vomit.

"God, I know that I betrayed your trust and that I hurt you, and baby, I am so sorry that I made you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for what I did, and I don't regret it," he blurted as he stood up, having no filter over what he was saying. "I have missed you every second of every goddamn day since I saw you in the hospital. I wanted you to take me back, and I wanted things to go back to normal. I knew it was all my fault that things were so shitty, but I _still_ couldn't regret what I did, because I heard you were doing so much better."

Lana stared into Elliot's pained eyes as he rambled, feeling all of his emotions as they poured out of his mouth.

"I tried to stay my distance and give you your space; I was willing to do whatever it took for you to get better and stay better," he continued. "But I caved and went to see you one day after you had gotten out. Dennis told me you moved out, so I figured you were trying to move on and that maybe I should try too, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about you or missing you and it ate me up inside that you left without saying goodbye or anything. It broke my heart."

His words pierced her heart like a million sharp knives.

"Then I got your package," he sighed. "What you did for my kids was incredible. I can't thank you enough for thinking of them and wanting to help them like that. But your letter...your letter was so off." He had basically memorized the words of her letter after reading them over and over again; he cherished the piece of paper since it was the only thing he had left of her.

The coffee pot beeped loudly a few times behind Lana, signaling that the beverage was ready, but she ignored it, completely focused on Elliot and consumed by his words.

"You were **never** in the way of my relationship with my family, and you were **never** a threat to my job or happiness." he recited as he walked over to her. "You were **never** the cause of anything negative in my life. You were the opposite, Lana. You were the only one I could rely on for happiness, despite how chaotic things got. **I** was the cause of my issues with my family and job and life. Not you."

Miniscule tears stung the corners of Lana's eyes as Elliot lifted his hands to cup each side of her face.

"I know things got really bad toward the end, baby," he told her softly as his thumb gentle caressed her cheek. "But...you made me a better person, too."

She shut her eyes, forcing the small tears to stream down her cheeks. He pressed his forehead to hers and shut his eyes as well, still holding her face in his hands and feeling her warm, soft skin under the pad of his thumb.

He kissed her lightly, not wanting to do anything too unwarranted, but needing to feel her lips again. He was so close to her; he could feel her warm breath and smell her perfume, he had to taste her too.

He kept his hands on her face when he pulled away. He opened his eyes and looked down into hers. Her deep doe-eyed gaze was killing him. He wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish at that point, but he knew he was falling in love with her all over again.

"I'm not the same person I was a few months ago, Elliot," she sighed.

"I'm not either," he replied, shaking his head a little. "But you're still my Lana. You always will be."

She sighed and looked away, feeling completely out of control of what was happening.

"You're married," she reminded him, looking off to the side.

"I left her," he stated simply.

"You what?" Her eyes darted back to his, almost to see if he was telling the truth.

"I left her," he repeated as he dropped his hands from her face. "After you nearly died, I beat myself up over not doing something sooner to help you get better. I was so mad at myself for just sitting back and letting things get that bad with you. When I read your letter, I realized I was basically doing the same thing with my marriage – just sitting back and letting things fall apart. So I told her everything. We had a really long talk, and we fought, and we cried, and we screamed, then we finally decided to just get divorced."

"I'm sorry," she replied out of habit.

"Don't be." He shook his head. "I am so much happier now that I don't have to walk on eggshells around her or harbor any secrets from her. I got my life back on track, too. That's why it took me a while to find you – I didn't look for you right away. I needed to get better first too. I needed to be happier and mentally healthier. I wanted to be my best for you."

Otherwise speechless, Lana replied, "...I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," Elliot sighed. "I had this great plan to come here and say all these magical things to make you fall in love with me again and make you realize were supposed to be together, but when I saw you, my mind went blank. Then I started rambling, and I realized that all I really wanted was for you to know how I felt. About everything. You wrote me that letter and told me how _you_ felt, but I never got the chance to get everything out in the open like you did."

She nodded in agreement, feeling her heart ache for him. He never had the chance to express his feelings, not even in a letter, so he suppressed them until he couldn't take it anymore. She finally understood why he found her location and drove overnight to see her.

She reached forward and wrapped her arms around his waist. He instinctively reacted by wrapping his arms around her, hugging her comfortingly as she rested her head on his chest. She listened to his heartbeat through his soft shirt as he rested his chin on the top of her head gently.

"I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me, including throwing my stupid ass in jail," she said, hugging him tightly. "I deserved it, and I'm glad you did it. I would literally not be alive if it wasn't for what you did. I don't want you to beat yourself up over it. Or over anything. Everything you did for me was **perfect** and way more than anyone else has ever done for me in my entire life. You made me get my shit together. You made me better."

Elliot kissed the top of her head lovingly.

"You're the most incredible person I know, and you deserve absolute happiness. I'm so glad you're happy and healthy and at your best..." she continued, afraid of his reaction to what she was going to say next. "But I can't move back to the city with you. I have to stay here. This is where I'm better, this is where I'm happy and healthy and at my best."

"I know," he sighed. He expected her to react that way once he realized how well she was doing. "It's okay."

"I'm so sorry," she relented. "I just have to do what's right for me."

"Don't be sorry," he insisted as he pulled out of the hug. "I am so glad that you're doing so well. And if you need to stay here to stay well then I want you to stay here."

Elliot's heart was shattering all over again, but he found solace in the fact that this time he would have closure.

Lana looked at him with sympathetic eyes. She was proud of herself for standing her ground but not proud of herself for breaking his heart again. Despite what he said, she could see it in his face – he was devastated.

She felt awful. How could she do this to him?

"Well..." he sighed. "I did what I came here to do, so...walk me out?" He extended his hand to her.

She nodded and grabbed his hand then walked with him over to the door. He opened it then pulled her close to him before pressing his lips to hers. Knowing it would be the last time, Lana kissed him back passionately, wanting him to know how much she loved him and hated what was happening.

He pulled out of the kiss then looked into her eyes, wanting to remember the part of her that made him fall in love so many times.

"If you change your mind, you know where to find me," he told her as he tried his hardest to smile.

Lana felt a slight pain in her chest as she felt him let go of her hand. His warmth lingered on her fingers as she watched him walk down the steps of her house. The farther he got from her, the more her chest hurt. It was an oddly familiar feeling. She recognized it as the same feeling she had been having for months – an aching in her chest due to the void in her heart. She realized the feeling had entirely dissipated while she was with Elliot, which is why she so easily let him down, because she felt fine when he was next to her. But now that he was leaving, the pain was back and stronger than ever before.

She had a little Stabler-sized hole in her heart that only he could fill. And she needed him to stay in her life and patch the hole, otherwise she would never _truly_ be better.

"Elliot, wait!" She called after him then darted out the door.

He turned around as she shuffled down the steps and ran toward him. She crashed into him, grabbing his face and kissing him roughly as he stumbled slightly from the force. It took him a second to kiss back, but when he did, he became overwhelmed with emotion. He grasped her hips in his hands, wanting to pick her up, bring her inside, and make love to her like they did the night she destroyed her apartment.

The only thing Lana could feel was Elliot's face in her hands and the passion exuding from his lips as they kissed. She hardly even noticed his hands groping her hips, but when she did, she pushed her waist forward, pressing up against him even more. Their tongues began to dance as they got lost in each other's touch. With their eyes closed, the rest of the world didn't exist. For a brief moment, it felt like they were back in the city in Lana's apartment, and everything was back to normal. It was as if nothing bad had ever happened. Everything was perfect.

She broke away first, keeping her hands on his face as she pleaded out of breath, "Don't go! Stay with me, please. If this is where I'm better, then this is where you can be better too, right? We can start put our new lives together and start **our** new life here, can't we?"

Caught up in the moment, Elliot nodded. "I'll do whatever you want me to do."

"Stay with me then," she cried. "I need you. Stay with me."

"Whatever you want, baby. Whatever you want."

Though they knew they would have to eventually work out the kinks, their lips connected again for another passionate reunited kiss. They both knew that despite their rocky past, they were back together for a reason, and that there was a method to the madness after all.


End file.
